The infamous Wells Hall Preacher began a recent Monday afternoon sermon with the classics: video games, masturbation and fornication.

As hordes of students passed through the courtyard, en route to the 12:40 p.m. classes soon starting inside, he asked who among them had engaged in such sins. 

No one answered.

He soon pivoted. After the conspicuous introduction, the preacher worked his message into a riff on modern higher education. 

Every day, he explained, his passersby choose whether they will be “diligent students” who carefully study and get top marks, or “party-hardy MSU student-animals.” They also face a starker choice, spelled out on the bright yellow sign in the hands of his nearby 10-year-old son: “HEAVEN OR HELL?”

In their classes, students will read sinners like Nietzsche and Marx, he said. “But Jesus never sinned!” In today’s supposedly ever-accommodating academy, students may then prove their knowledge on extra length, online exams or papers allowed endless deadline extensions. But, he bellowed, “there will be no open-book retake exams when you stand before God!”

“Most of you have parents paying for your education, or are taking out loans!” he said. “Which you will be sorry you took out later. Most of you, at least.”

One solution would be to attend a nearby community college: “LCC offers free tuition!” he said. But, he suggested a better deal can be found elsewhere: “Christ offers free eternal life!”

That refrain, too, didn’t seem to capture the attention of passing students.

Most tried to avoid eye-contact, crossing without a word. A few glanced at him before promptly peering back down at their phones. One let out a cloying “Amen!” before sharing a smirk and chuckle with his companion.