As college students continue to explore their sexuality, some are starting to discover a darker side to sex and relationships.
What is it?
“Typically, there’s one person who’s dominant and one who is submissive, but it’s really a spectrum,” said arts and humanities freshman Tess Johnson. “It can be anything from a simple, emotion based thing where one person is more aggressive or assertive than the other, but it can go all the way to BDSM play and anywhere in between.”
BDSM is an acronym for bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism.
The range of the way that roles are put on varies depending on the person and relationship. For some, it can be a strictly sexual kink, appearing only in the bedroom when the role is put on. For others, it is a complete dynamic, both emotionally and physically.
“Me and my partner have what is called a TPE, or total power exchange,” said supply chain management freshman Derek, who asked not to use his real name. “Basically, I control my partner all the time. She does what I say, but there are certain exceptions that were established before the roles were assumed.”
Consent
To have a safe and trusting relationship, both emotionally and physically, there has to be consent 100 percent of the time.
“Communication is key. You have to talk it through, what is ok and what isn’t. You have to trust your partner and know what’s going on,” said Johnson. “It’s like being in the doctor’s office where they tell you what they’re going to do before they do it. It’s important not to feel nervous. Anxiety and fear should have nothing to do with your play. You have to realize that you’re both equal partners and everything past that is just pretend.”
According to Johnson, everything should be established beforehand to make sure that both parties are comfortable.
“Sometimes you start a scene and your roles can sometimes take over,” Johnson said. “You get into a different mindset where you may feel uncomfortable expressing certain things to your partner, so it’s necessary to know what will happen before it does, and it’s very important not to push boundaries.”
Arts and humanities freshman Michayla Ryder said it is important to have a definite motion or a safe-word.
“Small surprises can be good, but boundaries have to be established,” Ryder said.
It’s also necessary to accept facial cues and recognize what is and is not ok with your partner.
“Sometimes you can hear it in the tone of voice,” said Derek. “It’s usually pretty easy to recognize when the pain is too legitimate and when emotions and reactions change.”
Coming out of the Role
After there has been an exchange of power, it is important for both parties to know that they are in equal standing in the relationship.
“There’s something called a sub-drop, which is when the submissive is feeling particularly vulnerable after a scene because they were just used, and the dominant is apathetic afterwards,” said Johnson. “Aftercare is very important. Once the roles end, the dom reassures the sub and makes sure they know they are valued and appreciated.”
“I get really emotional (after a scene),” said Ryder. “It’s important to be together and cuddle and do what makes both partners comfortable and that they’re ok with what just happened.”
Occasionally, coming out of a role is necessary because it’s natural response or an emergency.
“One time I dug my nails into my sub’s back too hard,” said Derek. “We didn’t realize at first because it was pretty normal for us, but when we finished [having sex] we look down and see blood everywhere. It was a complete and utter halt on the control aspect of our relationship. If there’s a chance I may have really hurt her, then I don’t care about the dynamic at all.”
Dangers of how it’s portrayed & rape culture
Sex is typically thought of as a fairly touchy subject, so bringing violence into the dynamic makes the subject that much more taboo to talk about, but it’s necessary to recognize that the exploration of sexuality is natural and healthy.
“I think that since we live in this puritan society, we still have this idea engrained in us that anything you do purely for pleasure is a sign of lack of discipline and therefore looked down upon,” said Johnson. ”(Kinky sex or BDSM) has such a bad connotation because it brings this exchange of power and danger into sex, which is already so difficult to talk about in a healthy way.”
Ryder said that part of the reason sex has such has a bad stigma is the sexual education that kids are taught.
“I was taught that abstinence was the only surely effective way to prevent against pregnancy and STDs,” Ryder said.
Derek said that BDSM does make him uncomfortable on some levels.
“I know it’s alright but hurting someone for my pleasure and having them enjoy it isn’t exactly normal human instinct,” Derek Why do I like controlling someone I care about? Why do I like hurting her? I don’t know and it certainly is portrayed poorly in the media. It’s about control and the media makes it about rape.”
Ryder said the most important aspects of BDSM are feeling comfortable having a good experience.
“Sex is great and shouldn’t be feared,” Ryder said.
