I've come to a sad realization as I've grown up: Superman just isn't that cool.

Sure, the character is responsible for jump-starting the superhero genre, but he's kid's stuff — the ultimate goody-goody. He lacks Batman's conflicted sense of vengeance or Spider-Man's every-nerd-turned-hero appeal.

Still, the four-year-old inside me couldn't help but get swept up by certain parts of Bryan Singer's "Superman Returns," so I brought him along to help me write my review. Say "hi" to all the nice people, four-year-old Erik.

Hi to all the nice people, four-year-old Erik.

Cute. So what did you think about the new Superman movie?

I don't know. The special effects were really neat, but there wasn't enough superhero stuff. It was really long, too.

I'm right there with you. 154 minutes is a little long for a superhero movie. Though the first "Superman" was almost just as long.

Yeah, but that movie's stupid. I didn't like that Lex Luthor talks to the puffy old guy in this movie.

I assume you're talking about Marlon Brando as Superman's father, Jor-El?? Yeah, that was kind of tasteless. Let dead actors be dead actors.

He's dead? Is he a ghost?

Of sorts. You were saying there wasn't enough "superhero stuff"?

Yeah. Superman saves a lot of people, but there's a lot of the movie where he doesn't do anything. And that's when the mushy stuff happens.

Ah yes, the whole Clark Kent/Superman (Brandon Routh)-Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) relationship; I can understand you not liking that. But in a time after "Batman Begins," and the Spider-Man and X-Men movies, Superman has to have an internal struggle, something that weakens him that isn't kryptonite. What'd you think of Bosworth?

She made me feel funny.

Definitely. There was a blandness to her performance, and there wasn't much of a spark between her and Routh. She played the committed reporter side well though.

No, I mean she made me feel funny in the bottom of my tummy. What does that mean?

I'll explain it later. What about the positioning of Superman as a modern demigod?

Huh?

You know, the whole "Superman-as-savior" thing. It wasn't as painfully obvious as in "The Matrix Revolutions," but Singer definitely put Superman in some rather Christ-like situations. The only son of Jor-El, sent to Earth? Come on.

You're confusing. I'd like Sunday school a lot more if we learned about Superman.

Amen to that. That's an allegorical implication better covered by The Flaming Lips and Sufjan Stevens anyway.

Those songs are weird. Weird like Lex Luthor.

Kevin Spacey was rather nutty as Luthor, wasn't he? But a good amount of evil, too. I thought he balanced those two attributes well.

I wish they would have fought more.

Leaving the theater, all I could think about was, "What is Superman's purpose? What does this movie want him to be?"

He flies around and saves people.

But what about the parts where he's flying around the world, solving problems in other countries? Was that a little bit of social commentary on America as world police?

He flies around and saves people. He's a good guy, and he stops bad guys from doing bad things. That's why I like him.

What about that part in which he flies into space and uses his supersonic hearing to listen to the entire world? Is he supposed to be some sort of guardian? Are you paying attention to me?

This is boring; I'm going to go play with my action figures. You want to play too?

Sure. But I get to be Batman.

That's OK. I want to be Superman.