It's got motorcycles! It's got hot chicks in tight clothes! It's got loud music, gunfights, catfights, races, chases, explosions, one-liners, sex and murder!
But one question remains: How could a movie with so many exciting elements be so dull?
"Torque" is the latest in Hollywood's new obsession with fast cars, fast bikes and fast women. It's fast-paced, much like many of the movies it's knocking off, but its dull wit and unbelievably bad action (and performances) drag it to the ground.
Cary Ford (Martin Henderson) comes back from Thailand after dodging the feds for a year in lieu of drug charges. He is welcomed back with a bang when a biker drug lord sets him up for some drug smuggling and the murder of a rival gang leader's brother. Soon, Ford finds himself dodging cops and the gang leader (played by Ice Cube) with the help of his buddies, his babe and his bike.
But none of that matters. It's just an excuse for a series of poorly conceived action vignettes which could have been exciting, original and amazing. Sadly, none of it worked. Through the magic of computer effects - ones that might have looked real in the early '90s - we get to watch a fake motorcycle ride on top of a train, two motorcycles go up on their front wheels for a bit of a mechanical kung-fu fight and a climactic 200 mph motorcycle duel that is so fake (we're talking Super Nintendo quality here) and so confusingly edited that you don't know what the hell is happening. Even the explosions are computer-generated and pixilated to the point that it looks like a cheap screen saver.
Some of these stunts could have been spectacular, but instead are cheap, recycled and flat.
The actors involved, though quite bad, can't be blamed. Henderson, best known for "The Ring," is basically eye candy. A rogue biker who spits contrived dialogue such as "I live my life by the quarter mile," Henderson has the enthusiasm of a sedated mental patient. Ice Cube makes disgusted faces, curls his lip and snarls every chance he gets. The women - Monet Mazur and Jaime Pressly - lick their lips a lot, letting their exposed thongs and chests take the majority of their close-ups.
Director Joseph Kahn has crafted a plotless action extravaganza.
Sure, there are moments where the film takes off, such as a pretty exciting chase through a forest. But it's small change.
To say this film is like a music video is unfair, as music videos tend to have some degree of coherency and appeal. To say it's like a video game is giving it too much credit, as video games are actually fun (and the graphics look a lot better).
The right word is painful. Painful to watch, painful to think about, and painful to realize you actually wasted money on it.
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