Like millions of other people, I tuned into Fox's premier of "Joe Millionaire" Monday night. Hell, my friends and I made it an event. Not that I'm a big fan of reality television (or any non-"Simpsons" television). The premises of these shows actually make me queasy. The temptation, however, of watching a bunch of money grubbing wax-socialites vying for the affection (read: money) of some guy they haven't met is not all that great.
But when the show's finale airs, I can't wait to see the look on the face of the winner when the idiot star reveals that he is naught but a humble construction worker pulling in no more than $19,000 a year.
The women chosen for the show seem to fall into a cookie-cutter categories, or character molds of one another. Personally I dug Heidi, who will advance to the next round either due to the producers' demand for an evil character or Joe's desire to guarantee that he'll score with at least one contestant.
And evil she is. Heidi reminds me of every psychotic ex-girlfriend I've ever witnessed. She clawed her way through the dress fitting scene, talked trash about other contestants and consistently aired her desire to win at any cost. If anything, provided she advances further, Heidi will be the featured star of the inevitable video, "Joe Millionaire: Too Hot For TV."
But for a reality show, "Joe Millionaire" lacks certain touches of reality. First and foremost, it's set in a Disney-esque mansion. Each contestant was given a chance to waltz with the rock-headed Prince Charming, who was given dance and etiquette lessons and first appeared riding a horse and saying, "It used to be white, but I didn't have time to give her a bath" (har yuck Joe, I'll try that one at the bar this weekend). Sure, it's nice to be classy, but in the era of "Temptation Island" we need some action. Being the wonderful producer type that I am, I have a few suggestions.
1. Ditch Evan. Sure he's tall, dark and handsome, but the dude is a tool of Black & Decker proportions. He's the kind of cheese-ball who actually uses words like "Golly." He can't act his way out of a paper bag, and lying about being worth $50 million requires at least mediocre acting skills.
Plus, if Fox really wants to achieve its goal of tricking a person into professing love and dropping the "it was all a facade" bomb, they should have picked an average looking guy (like me). Make sure he has an exceptional personality (but isn't necessarily GQ material) and trick a bunch of chicks into falling in love. I guarantee reactions would be more violent if the guy isn't physically fit or (gasp) tan.
2. Scratch the artsy-fartsy waltzing stuff and turn the ballroom of Joe's place into a big party scene. Have DJs and alcohol. Let the girls wear what they normally would instead of flowing gowns. Hell, have all kinds of drugs available (but of course don't pressure the girls to use them).
My rationale? First of all, it would put the contestants in a more comfortable environment where their true personalities could shine. I'd love to hear Joe say things like: "Golly, Meghan sure has a nice smile but when she and Krissy were grinding on me on the dance floor there just wasn't that connection I felt when I first noticed that she was wearing a cowboy hat," or "Lordy, Julia seems nice, but she does so much coke and I just don't think I can afford to support that." On top of that, a dance floor plus one assumed millionaire plus a bunch of money-grubbing drunk women can only equal one thing: catfight. Purr.
3. Upon revealing the lie, continually refer to Evan as "Joe Nineteenthousandaire." Develop a sequel series in which no women believe that Evan, having actually achieved a 15-minute celebrity status, made a respectable living after the show by endorsing whatever companies have approached him (my guess: Durex, Bod Man and Boone's Farm). Chronicle him as he appears on increasingly bad television, starting with "The Late Show with Dave Letterman", then "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn", "Celebrity Fear Factor," "Hollywood Squares," Tony Little infomercials and eventually "E! True Hollywood Story."
"Joe Millionaire" personifies my theory that television is going WAY down in terms of creativity, but damn, is it fun to watch. I'll be glued for next week's episode (the preview showed contestants shoveling horse poop in Joe Millionaire's stable). I'm excited to see what happens as a rock-headed fake millionaire tries to separate the good, the bad and the slutty.
A.P. Kryza, the State News film reporter, can be reached at kryzaand@msu.edu
