If you’re anything like me, the imposing thought of an upcoming East Lansing winter shakes you to your core in a way not dissimilar from the actual, physical shaking that will be induced by the blustering blizzards and sub-zero temperatures.

With hibernation out of the question due to the fact we aren’t bears, it looks as though we’re going to have to struggle through this for at least five months. We can do this together.

If I could, I’d move to the planet Mercury. Alas, for a number of reasons, I cannot. But what I can do is try to help others stay warm. The following is how I plan to make it through winter, and you can feel free to follow my lead away from the perilous Ice Age of November through March. May the warmth be with you.

Do not go outside under any circumstances.

OK, I understand this is not socially or academically viable, but I’m still going to strongly recommend it. When outside, always have in mind the quickest and most efficient route to the nearest centrally-heated building. These buildings are your friends, and you should cut through them on your way to anywhere.

Some people actually like winter. Be wary of this.

Many Michiganders love to brag about how we get to experience all four seasons here. And don’t get me wrong — I love the seasons, provided that the season is spring, summer or one of those fall days so warm you think it still is August.

Others say they enjoy winter because they get to wear hoodies and sip hot chocolate.

This logic perplexes me, because the purpose of hot chocolate and sweatshirts is to heat the body up and keep it warm, which is what summer does anyway — around the clock and for free.

I can only assume these people are representatives from the powerful hot chocolate lobby in Washington, or something. They likely are also the same people raving about pumpkin-spiced things in October.

Trust at your own risk.

Schedule all your classes/work/events/breakfasts/anything after noon.

This is my favorite thing to do regardless of season, but that’s because I’m one of those bums who can sleep until noon and not feel a shred of guilt about it.

The reasons for this are twofold: First, it’s usually warmer in the afternoon. Second, if you’re like me and have to drive to class, then you understand that the thought venturing out from your safe, warm bed at 8 a.m. carries a dread only eclipsed by the thought of scraping off your car once you get outside.

By procrastinating all aspects of your life until the afternoon, you circumvent this.

Your car likely has defrosted by this point, and the roads will have been cleared if it snowed the night prior.

Speaking of transportation, rely on someone else to do it.

You know the driver that’s going 20 mph in a 35 mph zone the morning after a light dusting of snow? That’s me, and I’m not even close to sorry.

Driving in the snow paralyzes me with fear. That wasn’t always the case, but considering the two near-death experiences I’ve been through in my life both involve hitting a patch of ice going 50 mph, I’m ready to call it quits. The first time I spun directly into oncoming traffic and everyone I was barreling toward somehow managed to swerve out of my way (thank you to those people who are better drivers than I). The second time I spun directly into a large highway sign, which then perfectly folded over my car to shatter my front and back windshield (RIP 2003 Dodge Stratus). It was as if I had just bowled a strike, where the sign was the pins and my car was the bowling ball.

The way I look at it, three strikes and I’m out. So, I will choose to either drive annoyingly slow or not drive.

We have CATA for a reason, right? I plan to use it simply because I know it’s heated. I don’t even care if it takes me anywhere.

So, curl up next to your fireplace (as if any of us have fireplaces) and take a nap, because the next six months aren’t really worth being awake for. Those hibernating bears have things figured out much better than we do.