In a heated argument, the screaming got so loud between Brittany Schendel and a friend, they almost were asked to leave the mall. Now, a year later, Schendel and her yelling match contender are best friends. Friendship, like any other aspect of life, has its ups and downs.
Sometimes there are falling-outs that can’t be fixed. Sometimes it’s worth it to talk it out with a friend to try and rebuild a tumultuous friendship. The key to realizing when a friendship is worth it, Schendel said, is evaluating the amount of loyalty and trustworthiness that comes with the relationship.
When Schendel spent time away from her friend she argued with in the mall, she realized the friendship was worth fighting for, she said.
“I realized she was a true friend,” Schendel said. “She was always there for me; even when we didn’t get along, she was still there.”
Open communication between friends also is important when it comes to maintaining friendships, Schendel said.
“With my close friends that I have, when we get into an argument, literally five seconds later we’ll be talking again and say, ‘This is what we need to change, sorry about that,’” she said. “We’re very straightforward and don’t have to hide anything.”
Friendship fixers
Although it might seem more difficult to maintain friendships once you get older, aging can actually help a person learn to be a better communicator, communication professor Frank Boster said.
Schendel said the reasons we become friends with people seem to change as we get older as well.
Instead of aiming for the highest number of friends possible, quality seems to preside over quantity as we grow older and more mature, she said.
“When we were in middle school, you wanted the most friends because you wanted to be popular,” she said. “Now, you’re picking your friends because you know in five years you’re not going to know as many people as you do now, and the ones that are close to you will stay friends with you.”
The point of no return
Ending a friendship isn’t always smooth sailing.
Amy Sullivan, a prenursing sophomore, lost touch with her best friend of six years after getting in a fight and not speaking for a month.
Sullivan and her friend planned to spend an evening together, but her friend ended up leaving to talk to her boyfriend and did not return that night, with no explanation.
By the time Sullivan was prepared to speak to her friend again, she had changed her number.
“I would totally forgive her if we could get in contact,” Sullivan said. “It’s just really immature.”
Looking back, Sullivan said there are things she would have done differently to prevent the irrevocable fallout.
“I probably would have answered her calls or made more of an effort to make up more quickly,” she said. “Trust can be regained.”
Talking it out
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Although some friendship tactics such as open communication can be practiced, Boster said working on confrontation skills can only be helped to a certain extent. The rest, he said, is inherent.
“There is evidence that some of these skills can be improved with practice, such as argumentation skills,” he said. “Others are relatively immune.”
Other factors come into play when it comes to maintaining relationships that did not used to be available.
It is no longer necessary to see a person every day to stay friends because of the increase in forums that make it possible to keep in touch, Boster said.
“Communicating frequently may be insufficient to maintain relationships, although with technological advances one suspects that physical proximity is not the critical factor that it once was in maintaining relationships,” he said.
The ease that comes with communicating with friends can also depend on location and other demographics.
Boster said that maintaining friendly communication with co-workers, for example, might be more difficult than speaking with others because of the diversity of people found in a workplace.
“It might be more difficult if those co-workers differ from us substantially on important dimensions,” he said. “Given the increased diversity of the U.S. population, and given the likely age gaps that would develop with increasing age, it is an interesting hypothesis.”
In it for the long haul
Sullivan said being away from friends can show you which ones are going to stick around and which friendships are more temporary.
“Me and my best friend have actually gotten closer because we’re trying to stay close,” she said. “You find out who your real friends are and you realize who’s going to be there and who’s not worth the effort.”
Schendel said she relies on video chatting with her friends back in her home state, Florida, to keep in touch.
There are lessons to be learned with every rocky area of a friendship, Schendel said.
“I always forgive and forget,” she said.
Discussion
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