Taking the man’s last name in marriage and the bride’s father paying for the wedding: These traditions are based around needless patriarchy that viewed women as financial burdens to the family because they didn’t work. Luckily we can all acknowledge the hard-won equality of women and see them as partners, not accessories.

Curling: It’s just about time.

Male aggression: Arguably a culprit of every conflict to date; from bar fights to world wars, this obsolete behavior has exhausted its evolutionary purpose. Upon departure, it will take with it Confederate flags, Ultimate Fighting Championship, Steven Seagal and the military-industrial complex.

Pledging allegiance to the flag: Maybe there were Soviet spies among the ranks of my fourth-grade class, taught by Mr. Bolden, but if so I doubt pledging allegiance would’ve stopped them from finger painting a sickle and hammer on the bathroom wall. Besides, we should emphasize to our children that loyalty to truth and justice, rather than blind patriotism, is what makes a good country.

Pennies.

Saying that the United States is the best country in the world: We don’t have the most free press, we don’t have the best education, we don’t have the most healthy population. We are far from the most peaceful, both to each other and to our neighbors, and we certainly aren’t the smartest. We’re further past our prime than Brett Favre.

The two-party system: Every four years, the population is given a choice between two rich people to be their ruler. Both of these white men make themselves rich by giving our tax dollars to the leaders of a few enormous companies, rather than to improving our decrepit school and health care systems. The effective monopoly that results between business-lawmaker collusion forces other options to the fringe, although countries like Brazil can effectively elect leaders from the ranks of mass society.

Fossil fuels: Because oil doesn’t grow on trees. But ethanol does come from plants.

Race: We’re all different shades from different places, but race is something we invented to separate ourselves from each other to justify inequality. This tribal ethnocentrism is a universal tactic of dehumanization. If you think race is real, try to define it; how do you define someone as “black” or “white?” Traditionally, any black descendent in an otherwise white family “taints” the bloodline as black. Race does exist, but only as a social construct.

SUVs: Fortunately, high gas prices may be pushing this one through already. Unless you’re in construction or with the Department of Natural Resources, buy something smaller.

Decaffeinated coffee: If you’re not going to use coffee beans the way they’re meant to be used — as a socially acceptable speed drug to offset Valium and sleep aids — buy something that’s healthy or at least tastes good.

Bottled water: Any scientist will tell you, water is made of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. “Trendy” is just a natural byproduct of combining Fiji and fad-freaks.

One might look at the above list and fear that we can no longer do anything. Don’t worry, though! There are lots of perfectly acceptable activities that are just fine: hugs, jogging, making fruit smoothies, social dissidence, hard work, T-shirts with funny sayings, empathy, constructive criticism, reading for fun, smelling things, listening to views you don’t agree with, sacrifice, and George Carlin.

A good rule of thumb is, before you do anything, ask yourself if you know why you’re doing it. If you ever come to the conclusion “that’s just the way things are,” you’re likely engaging in an outdated activity. And you can always change. Unless, of course, you’re Swedish.

Drew Robert Winter is a State News columnist. Reach him at winterdr@msu.edu.