—MM

MM,

“Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.” I always thought that was an ironic song for Madonna to sing. Actually, if I had my way, I would prefer the term virgin not be used at all when referring to one’s sexual identity.

In this context, the term usually comes laden with heavy cultural and religious meaning, and can be subjected to wide variations in how it’s defined.

This can result in confusion as to what it means to be a virgin.

When you say, “I am a 25-year-old man, BUT a virgin,” it also concerns me since choosing to be a virgin should never define you as a person. It should never be a choice you force upon yourself.

Just as you should never define sex as being just about intercourse, being a virgin should never define you as a person.

Not knowing how you are defining the word virgin, or for that matter the word harmful, I’m going to have to make some assumptions in order to answer your question.

I’m going to assume you’re defining being a virgin as someone who has chosen not to engage in penetrative intercourse. This is generally how it is defined in American culture.

Although if I asked a hundred students to define what it means to be a virgin, I could conceivably get a hundred variations.

I’m also going to assume, from the way you wrote your question, your primary orientation is heterosexual and this concept of virginity holds some cultural or religious meaning to you.

If this is how you define it, then choosing not to engage in sexual intercourse (being a virgin) before marriage shouldn’t harm you in any way. Choosing not to educate or work on developing a healthy sexual identity could.

It’s important to not equate virginity with being uneducated and nave.

The best thing you can do for yourself or your future marital partner is enhance your own sexual development through gathering knowledge and exploring your own likes and dislikes.

Just because you choose not to engage in intercourse doesn’t mean you shouldn’t explore the many other options to express your sexuality that are healthy and satisfying.

If you see sexual intercourse as the consummation of your marriage and an act of intimacy that should be reserved for such an occasion, and that holds a lot of meaning for both you and your partner, then who am I to contradict this?

If you see it as the ultimate sexual act that holds a lot of satisfaction and enjoyment for your partner, you may want to educate yourself.

Fact is, most women find traditional vaginal intercourse as one of the least physically satisfying acts of sexual expression there is. And in my research, they usually rate it at the bottom of the list of acts they find most pleasurable and/or satisfying.

If you’re curious as to the sexual act women report as being the most satisfying and pleasurable, you need to wait for an upcoming column.

There are many ways to sexually express yourself that don’t involve intercourse or, for that matter, even touching.

Sexual intercourse is highly overrated and really takes little intimacy to perform. If you’re worried you won’t know how to ‘perform’ once you are married, I can understand.

But I think with a little practice, communication and knowledge, you won’t have a problem. If you do, then there are people who can help talk you through it.

I applaud you for asking the question and for the choices you are making.

Just make sure they’re informed and comfortable choices for you and your partner. Peace, love dove.

—Dr. D.

Dennis Martell, Ph. D., is a coordinator of Olin Health Education and writes a weekly health column for The State News. E-mail him your questions at dennis.martell@ht.msu.edu.