It's Valentine's Day season again, and that means it's time to haul out all the old signs of affection: flowers, chocolate and whatever card was left on the rack at CVS when you went there at 9 p.m.
But why wait for this one day a year to tell your sweetheart how you feel when you can express it all year long via the world's most romantic sport, basketball?
Yes, for all its machismo, the hardwood is a perfect metaphor for so many aspects of love — and I'm not even talking about the paternity suits.
Don't believe me? I present you with the Unofficial Glossary of Basketball Terms as Applied to Dating:
Tip-off: Whatever the initial contact of the date is, be it on her front porch, at the restaurant or as she's getting off stage at the Vu. This sets the tone for the entire night and, if done improperly, could result in a lingering injury the rest of the evening.
Pick-and-roll: Dinner and a movie — the traditional combo that never goes out of style.
Court vision: Being able to spot opportunities to further one's cause, including but not limited to: holding a door open, dropping a compliment, pretending to like "The Bachelor."
Pump fake: Any question floated merely as a gauge of some personally crucial characteristic, including but not limited to: politics, morals, opinion of Neil Diamond.
Incidental contact: A hand on the back, a playful punch in the arm, a grazing of feet under the table. Maybe it won't get called, but it can be felt.
Traveling: When one person talks too much about him/herself without allowing the other person to get in on the conversation.
Full-court press: When one date participant is much more desperate than the other and thinks it's a good idea to outline just how available they are. (Example: Leaving six voice mails within an hour of the date.) Takes a lot of effort, and typically results in a lot of turnovers.
Loose ball: At dinner, the moment when the check is placed on the table.
Any decent man knows he should dive into the stands to grab that thing, but if things aren't going well, many will let it bounce for a while to see if maybe they can get a tie-up.
Boxing out: If, in the course of the night, someone else starts picking up on one's date, the process of positioning oneself to regain possession.
Crossover: Employed primarily by women to keep their intentions unknown. Involves behavior that would suggest one course of action, followed by behavior that would suggest a contradictory course of action.
Technical foul: During the course of the night, something said by the guy that completely sets the girl off, including, but not limited to: "You know, in this light, your roots are showing," "Funny thing, I seem to have forgotten my wallet," or "I could put on this Clay Aiken CD if you like?"
Getting one of these means he had better watch his mouth the rest of the night. Two is automatic grounds for rejection.
Isolation: When the participants find themselves alone. This can be good or bad, depending on the flow of the game up to that point.
Keep-away: When one has lost interest in the date and is merely attempting to kill time until the clock runs out.
Offensive goaltending: The rejection of any unwanted advances. In its most common form, this involves the turning of the cheek for a goodnight kiss attempt.
Half-court shot: When things go poorly, an awkward conclusion to a date in which the participants hug with as much distance between them as two sixth-graders slow dancing. Very low rate of success.
Assist: Say the girl has been invited back to the guy's place after dinner, and they're on the couch watching TV.
If the guy already has arranged for his roommate to casually walk in the room and say something like, "Oh, hey, great work today, man — those orphans are really going to appreciate that house you built them on your lunch break," the roommate gets credit for an assist.
This can help lead to what we all strive for …
And-1: The obtainment of a second date.
And if things are going really well and your nerdy roommate walks by with a sly nod and a wink, that's equivalent to the white guys at the end of the bench who go into a towel-waving frenzy when someone else makes a good play. Rejoice, my friend — you may have just found yourself a slam dunk.
Tom Keller is a State News men's basketball reporter. Send your own hoop love terms to kellert1@msu.edu.
