Have mercy on the late souls of Ray Kroc and Dave Thomas. Every time a McDonald's or Wendy's commercial clogs the airwaves, the two burger barons must be turning in their graves. Where have the days of Jordan versus Bird and "Where's the Beef" spots gone?
Am I led to believe that the best way to sell an order of four-piece nuggets is through a commercial with rollerblading basketball players?
We're talking about four-piece nuggets here; Ally McBeal doesn't even get full on four-piece nuggets. Mickie D's would have to get the "cha-ching" guy from Rally's circa-1990 to sell an order of four-piece nuggets to a starving person. A nocturnal freestlying DJ simply won't cut the mustard.
Neither will some middle-aged balding dorkus labeling himself the "unofficial" spokesman of Wendy's. I swear, whenever I see that guy, I want to "unofficially" punch him in the head. Don't tell me that same thought hasn't crossed your mind.
What America needs is some quality marketing for our greasy, reheated fast food-craving stomachs. The days of throwback jerseys were here, and therefore throwback advertising should be, too.
I want the talking McNuggets back, and I want the Fry Kids, Grimace and the Hamburgler to push their Happy Meal propaganda through my picture tube. I want George Costanza to break out into choreographed song and dance in the streets about the new BLT burger, which keeps lettuce and tomatoes cool, but the bacon oh-so-crispy and warm.
There is no need for quirky actors to prostitute a McRib on me. I want to watch NBA superstars bank half-court shots off of a big, furry, purple, pear-shaped, hippopotamus-bear, in a competition to win America's favorite fries. I don't, however, need some wannabe hip-hop schmoe dropping rhymes about a Big N' Tasty during a commercial break for reruns of "The A-Team" on Spike TV. Mr. T pities the fool who actually goes out and tries a gimmick of a burger because hasty rhymes with tasty and sounds sweet in F minor.
America doesn't need some sellout actor or actress to replace Thomas as the voice of the square hamburger. If Tupac Shakur can release 27 CDs after his death, then Wendy's should be more than able to create commercials with the late Dave Thomas romanticizing over - pick two - a hamburger or chicken patty with - pick two - mushrooms, olives, bacon or nacho cheese.
Seriously, can we get the MSU advertising people to help these creatively challenged marketing teams? Ron Howard could write better material. Yes, I just said Ron Howard.
Take Burger King. They create great commercials, and even though Croissan'wiches make me vomit in my mouth a bit, I am still going to buy one because according to the commercial, my artery-clogging breakfast will be served to me by a king with a plastic mask. You can't make that stuff up, folks.
The moral of the story is, if something isn't broken, don't fix it. Meaning, the "Where's the Beef?" grannies had something going, and so did those clever little talking McNuggets who toiled in their laboratory making Ronald McDonald look like a sidekick.
Whoever was the brainchild for those two campaigns should have a dipping sauce named after them. Similarly, whoever had the idea of canceling those projects should be fired along with the wise guy who axed the Tostada, replacing it with a Chalupa. Chalupas aren't real and I wish these awful campaigns weren't either.
Phony Chalupas, squirrelly spokespeople and hip-hop commercials about Quarter Pounders have no place in our fast food-gobbling nation. Until McDonald's and Wendy's replace these pathetic advertising campaigns with the old school campaigns of Dave Thomas, the Hamburgler, and Jordan versus Bird, I will be McBoycotting. If you need me I will be in my dorm room eating some Burger King trying to distinguish what exactly Grimace is supposed to be.
By the way, Taco Bell, I haven't forgotten about the Tostada-related turmoil you have caused.
Jon Gunnells is a journalism sophomore. He can be reached at gunnell2@msu.edu.
