A crime wave of unparalleled scope and depth has hit the cafeterias of this once-safe campus. Right under our collective noses, from the inside of seemingly banal cereal bowls comes a threat to the very fibers of our freedom and well-being as students.
Of course, dear readers, I am speaking of cafeteria cereal theft. Every day, countless boxes of nutritious and delicious breakfast cereal are being swiped from dormitories across campus.
While it is clear the danger we face is all too real, many among us are unwilling to face it head-on. They try to ignore the serious implications or simply deny the existence of any problem.
I warn you friends, do not be taken in by their charismatic ways or fancy rhetoric. These people are members of a strange anti-breakfast cult dead set upon denying you all that is magically delicious.
In the face of such stringent opposition, it would be quite easy for anyone to feel overwhelmed by the pressure, but do not fear, for I know the odds and the price of justice (3-to-1 and $6.95, respectively). I am willing to do what it takes to fight this enemy by any means necessary. It is, after all, the most important meal of the day.
The first place to explore is obviously the cafeteria. Upon investigation, it is evident cereal security is seriously lacking. To my surprise, not a single cafeteria on campus employs an armed guard, watchdog or ninja to protect my God-given right to Grape-Nuts.
Even more shocking is these breakfast bandits are going wholly unpunished. While plenty of forensic evidence obviously exists, it may come as a shock to discover that currently, not a single cereal thief has been incarcerated, caned or executed.
As well, the MSU police do not have a single officer investigating these crimes or the possibility of a serial cereal thief. In fact, it seems the campus police are entirely unaware of the crime wave.
Clearly, what we are dealing with is some sort of mystical evil wizard who now controls the minds of our police officers with a magic spell or potion. It makes too much sense, really. My fellow students, it is time for us to take a stand against this enemy in our midst. We must take justice into our own hands (ninjas anyone?).
First, however, we must explore why we are plagued with this constant breakfast larceny. Why cereal? Boxes of cereal are not particularly practical items to steal. Since cereal is only a part of a balanced breakfast, the thief would also need to steal milk, juice, fruit and toast.
No, something more dastardly is at play, drawing thieves to cereal banditry.
Unfortunately, the answer is something I’m sure none of you will want to hear. I didn’t like it myself, but breakfast is just too important. The problem is not the cafeteria, the thieves themselves or even the evil wizard.
No, the real evil is the cereal. Through covert methods, breakfast cereal has been fostering subversive behavior, including kleptomania, for years.
Think about it. What do the Lucky Charms leprechaun, the Trix rabbit and that creepy burglar that hawked Cookie Crisp all have in common? They are secretly brainwashing the children of America to believe stealing is OK, as long as it means you get what you want.
The breakfast bandits are merely pawns in the diabolical master plan of the real axis of evil - Battle Creek.
If kleptomania were the only subversive behavior thrust upon the young minds of America, it would be one thing, but the horror runs much deeper. When you think about your favorite cereal, does it make you want to commit some heinous act of violence against children or kittens? Of course it does. Do not worry, it is not your fault.
Remember “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?” What they really meant was cuckoo for LSD. How about Cap’n Crunch, what exactly do you and the captain make happen? Could it be murderous piracy on the high seas? Obviously. Also, if you play “Snap, crackle, pop” backward it says, “Set your sister on fire.”
What, then, must be done? We must defeat these evil cereals. We must eat the one cereal dedicated to the fight for goodness and truth - Kix. Kid tested, mother approved and evil-free. We must band together for the survival of the human race. Our only hope is to choose Kix.
Or ninjas.
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Tim McCarty, a sophomore free-lancer for The State News, plans to continue eating his traditional breakfast of stale Pop-Tarts and coffee. Let him know what you think at mccar137@msu.edu.
