Let’s talk theater etiquette, my friends.
I consider myself somewhat of a theater connoisseur, having attended plays and concerts since before I was old enough to see over the seat in front of me. For me, they were the embodiment of my imagination, like someone had taken my daydreams and made them real. I sat spellbound, and still do.
In high school, I spent more time painting sets and running lines than I did studying, and I have the grades to show for it. In fact, it’s a wonder I’m not majoring in theater.
Unfortunately, at every performance I’ve been involved with, someone has had the audacity to defile the sanctity of everyone’s concentration. Because of this lifetime of irritation, I think being obnoxious during a play or concert should be made a crime.
There are many ways to be a concert criminal. But regardless of malicious intent or innocent mistake, the fact remains there are people whose heads I would really like to have on a stick.
Angela Brabant, a member of the a cappella group, Capital Green, said her group often deals with distractions.
“We‘re basically background noise in gigs so everything goes on around us, people eating, talking, laughing. Especially if it‘s loud, it‘s really hard to hear each other and focus,”she said.
Well said. So, here is my most-wanted list, to be posted in theaters across America:
Criminal #1: The Antenna. No matter how many times it’s in the program or announced to the audience, someone is always too illiterate or deaf to turn his electronic devices off, which is distracting for the audience as well as for the performers.
Brabant, a family community services junior, said cell phones are one of the worst distractions.
If the possessor of the device must respond to his summons, he darn well better get up and go out of the theater.
Hopefully, by then, ushers would have recognized him as the leave-your-phone-on-in-the-theater type, and denied him re-entry on the grounds that his pocket plays a symphony every time somebody needs him.
Criminal #2: The Photographer. This is possibly the easiest way to distract a performer. Some are very good at shutting out noise, but sudden flashes of bright light are another story. Not only are they annoying, they are dangerous, as performers often have to navigate through treacherous backstage areas and constructed set pieces. The spotlights are already blinding enough. Why make it worse?
If you absolutely have to have a picture of that certain scene or performer, buy a program or arrange it after the show. And don’t forget memories will last a lifetime. Your pictures will just get fingerprints all over them.
Criminal #3: The Wannabe. This person thinks she should be in the concert, judging by her attempt at joining the performance from her seat. She hums, sings and taps to the beat.
Look, sweetheart. If I had wanted to hear you and your “talent,” I would have come to your event. Since I didn’t, pipe down, respect the performers and buy the CD afterward. Then you can belt your heart out.
Criminal #4: The Socialite. This dear soul chatters the entire performance, like your conscience on hallucinogens. He announces what song is next, what will happen in the scene, what candy he wants to buy at intermission, how many times he changes his underwear per week, et cetera. All I can about this guy is he needs to be beaten.
There are ways to cure a theater criminal, the easiest being to gently point out to the person what a disturbance he is making. This usually will suffice. Only the most oafish people will continue to harass his fellow men.
This guy, Brabant said, should be kicked out of the theater. My solution for dealing with these walking curses? Nothing short of complete banishment.
Heidi Jury, a free-lancer for The State News, said her theater student friends are everywhere on campus, so behave yourself or beware. She can be reached at juryheid@msu.edu.
