As much as you try to escape it, Hart has you all figured out, Michigan State. You can run from the truth all you want, but everything you do screams “little brother.”

You’re the little brother because the only comeback Mark Dantonio could think of was to call Hart short.

You’re the little brother because Chad Henne doesn’t rhyme with douche bag.

You’re the little brother because of Braylon Edwards.

You’re the little brother because football, not basketball, is America’s favorite college sport.

You’re the little brother because “your” biggest win last year was by a I-AA school.

You’re the little brother because John L. Smith slapped himself.

You’re the little brother because you planted a flag in South Bend, then fought Illinois for doing it to you.

You’re the little brother because SportsLine.com’s Dennis Dodd listed Michigan State coach Dantonio (along with coaches from Temple, Cincinnati and Brigham Young) before the season as “coaches who will soon have big-time jobs.”

You’re the little brother because you’re the lowest-rated school academically in the Big Ten.

You’re the little brother because you’re too dumb to care.

You’re the little brother because when your plans to copy the historic success of Michigan football went up in flames against Ohio State on Saturday, you (allegedly) tried to emulate the Wolverines’ (alleged) football player-on-hockey player violence.

You’re the little brother because you probably don’t know what emulate means.

You’re the little brother because your girls’ fake tans, sloppy blonde dye-jobs and low standards don’t mean they’re that hot.

You’re the little brother because you can’t be a great party school and charge $5 for a cup.

You’re the little brother because the University of Chicago has more Big Ten football titles than you do.

You’re the little brother because your inferiority complex is so big that “smash right through that line of blue” and “Michigan is weakening” were lines in your original fight song.

You’re the little brother because you had a clock counting down the seconds until the Michigan game months before the game time was decided.

You’re the little brother because after all the clock hype, you lost anyway.

You’re the little brother because rioting and couch burning are the highlights of your college years.

You’re the little brother because you don’t understand that jokes like “What does a Michigan State grad call a Michigan grad? Boss.” can’t be reversed, so you do it anyway.

You’re the little brother because you were giddy with your football team’s 7-6 record last season, which would have been the Wolverines’ worst in 23 years.

You’re the little brother because you’ve tried to replace a 111-year tradition of mediocrity with clips from “300.”

You’re the little brother because you take being favored against Michigan as a victory in itself.

You’re the little brother because, deep down, you know your annual collapse is just beginning.

You’re the little brother because six straight will become seven on Saturday.

Now, before you flood my inbox with poorly written letters, let’s take care of a couple likely complaints.

“But Michigan State is better at basketball.”

Like I wrote above — and I know you have trouble reading — football, not basketball, is America’s favorite college sport. Let me know when you get the 75,000 people who attend your football games to go to a basketball game, let alone the 110,000 that pack the Big House.

“I got into Michigan and Michigan State and chose Michigan State because it’s better.”

You’re lying.

Dan Feldman is a Michigan Daily sports editor. He can be reached at danfeld@umich.edu.