Eating smelly seaweed, raw fish unnatural

I hate sushi. I’ve always hated sushi. I will probably always hate sushi.

James Harrison

A quick history lesson would probably help explain why I hold such a beloved food in such contempt. Long, long ago, when primitive man was running around, they’d kill various beasts and eat them raw. Then man discovered a thing that we like to call fire. It was revolutionary. It started civilization.

Further progress was made when primitive man discovered putting raw food into the fire made it better. Thus, human history began. So why go backward?

Meat should be cooked. It’s a basic concept that even our ancestors who lived in caves could grasp. When fire is applied to animal flesh, good things happen. Now I probably couldn’t explain in detail exactly what is going on — something about the marbling of the fat or whatever — I just know I like the results.

(On a sidenote, this is the same argument I have against people who like their red meat rare. We cook food for a reason, people.)

Those who know me are probably rolling their eyes at this point, well aware that I’m not what you would call a seafood guy, and that’ s probably playing a large role in my dislike of sushi. I won’t lie — it’ s a factor in my decision. If I don’t like cooked fish, of course I don’t like it raw.

Don’ t even get me started on those restaurants in Japan that hand you a fishing pole, have you catch the fish, and then proceed to slice it up while wiggling and hand it to you on the plate.

If I wanted to see the face of my dinner, I’d go down to the farm with a shotgun.

The beauty of the modern world is people no longer need to think about things like that. They can simply order a steak, the only worry being where the waitress is with that bottle of A.1.

This may be a good time, however, to point out we’re increasingly finding ourselves in danger of overfishing the oceans. The popularity of sushi doesn’t help. Perhaps it’s time to give little Nemo and his friends a chance to repopulate and lay off the seafood. Your mercury levels will thank you.

Even if we divorce the concept of raw fish, I’m still not a fan of sushi. It’s all because of the seaweed. Or kelp. Or nori. Whatever you want to call it, it doesn’t taste right.

One summer when I was kid, my family went on vacation to the Florida coast. It was a great vacation — until the final few days when the water became full of seaweed, to the point you couldn’t swim. It smelled to high heaven and felt terrible when it touched me.

And you expect me to eat the stuff?

This is not a dig against Asian cuisine. I love tempura. If my friends are going to a Japanese steak house, I’m already in the car. Just don’t ask me to get sushi.

I realize I’m the odd man out. My family loves sushi so much that my pregnant sister was given a “baby’s first sushi” book as a gift. I stand firm, knowing that I at least have Homer Simpson – who almost died from eating sushi, if you recall — in my corner.

So go eat your sushi. Enjoy your California and tuna rolls. Just know that I’ll be off somewhere, silently judging you, waiting for the day in which I’m vindicated in my position.

Tell entertainment reporter James Harrison he has the taste buds of a 5-year-old at harri310@msu.edu.