T he five stages of grief.

It’s Tuesday, March 4 at 11:06 p.m. I’m relaxing in a hotel lobby after spending a relaxing day under the Florida sun on spring break.

Buzz. A text message shakes the wooden table my phone is set on.

“Hey... bad news,” the message reads.

My heart flutters. I don’t know what to expect, but I assume the worst. Minutes later I receive the news that my friend had committed suicide. My heart sinks.

Denial

I immediately wonder how it could have happened. He was 23 years old. He was a good person. An honor roll student in high school and college. What on earth would make him want to do this?

We used to spend hours talking about the present, past and our highly anticipated futures. His smile was contagious, and I never saw signs he was unhappy.

Pictures and loving messages are posted on his Facebook wall as daily reminders that he’s gone. His last updated profile picture was taken on his birthday in a straw hat and a cut-up jean shirt with his arm around a friend, holding a beer. His shining blue eyes and big toothy smile doesn’t look to me like someone that would want to leave his friends and family behind forever.

I wish I knew what had been going through his mind when he chose to leave us. And I wonder if the circumstances would’ve been different if I had sent him a text asking how he was doing that Tuesday.

My initial thought was the friend now missing from my life. Tears well up in my eyes without fail just thinking about his bubbly personality, and I question what went wrong.

The world lost contact with my friend, Mitch, far too soon. Never again will he wish me a happy birthday. Never again will I receive his phone call on New Year’s Eve screaming “Happy New Year Cayden!” Never again will he say hello to me just to see how I am.

I wish I knew what he was thinking before he ended his life.

Anger

How could someone take their own life? Mitch’s last location was his home. I’ll never know what caused him to do it.

My emotions stir when I think of Mitch’s mother, who was out of town and hadn’t heard from him in days when she sent a friend to check in on him, only to find him dead.

Suicide is now among the three leading causes of death among males and females aged 15 to 44 years old, according to Befrienders Worldwide.

Take action if you think someone you know is having suicidal thoughts. It’s always a good time to let someone know you care about them simply by asking them how their day is going.

Those of us who knew Mitch are only left with memories. Why did the old, optimistic Mitch go missing?

You can’t help but wonder and make assumptions that horrifying events like these don’t just happen for no reason. Was he secretly depressed? Had he been considering this for a long time? Still, there are so many unanswered questions.

I could never blame someone like Mitch, though. I will always remember him as being one of the most kindhearted people I know.

Bargaining

I would give anything to have him back, or at least tell him how many people care about him and miss him.

Will we ever know the truth to tragic events like this? Yes and no. His personality and sympathetic demeanor will live on in my memory of him, but I know there must have been a reason he couldn’t go on any longer.

Silence

I’m at a loss for words. What do I say to my friends who knew him? I’m sorry. It’s not fair to anyone. It’s not easy accepting the grief that remains after realizing that nobody could have rescued him.

Not every person considering suicide shows evident signs that something is wrong. Many people can be depressed but will not express their emotions as noticeably as others.

It’s important to be aware of warning signs as inconspicuous as they may be. Something as little as abnormal sleeping patterns or jokes about committing suicide could be cause for concern.

If you think someone is isolating themselves or is acting anxious and exhibiting rapid mood swings, ask them about it. It could be a subtle call for help.

What haunts me is the mystery of it all. The unknown events leading up to losing a good friend.

Acceptance

What doesn’t haunt my mind is knowing that Mitch is in a much better place now. It’s been about two weeks since I received the news that Mitch is gone. I still think of him everyday.

There are resources that could have prevented such a tragic event that leaves so many people grief-stricken and wondering what happened.

The MSU Counseling Center provides a crisis center hotline and immediate care for students on campus who need help.

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, call the MSU Counseling Center 24-hour emergency service at (517) 346-8460.

Cayden Royce is a journalism sophomore. Reach her at roycecay@msu.edu.