—CB

Dear CB,

Let me first thank you for writing and having the attitude to ask such a question. This is a question that has been echoed by both women and men over the years.

I sometimes think people assume sexual response is as easy as turning on a faucet, expecting it to come out hot. If you’re not sure which tap is which, you could end up with cold when you wanted hot.

You need to know which tap is which and how much to turn it on. I am never sure when I answer this question if maybe I am setting others up for false expectations, so let me first ask you a couple of “duh” questions.

First, what is your purpose for engaging in sex? Second, is your ultimate goal here to have an orgasm during intercourse, or are you just wondering why it does not happen during it?

There are basically two reasons people engage in sex — procreation and pleasure. If pleasure is your reason, then understanding how pleasure is defined and experienced is part of the mystery and wonder of engaging in sex.

The experience should be more about the pleasures and passion of the interaction as a whole. Being able to achieve an orgasm as a part of a sexual encounter might be of great consequence, but it is not and should not be the ultimate goal of any sexual engagement. Mutual consent is really what is important.

How you sexually respond to anyone is only part physiological.

Most of how we respond, if we respond, depends on your purpose for engaging in sex, your attitudes about the range of sexual behaviors that one can choose, the level of commitment you need in order to engage in said range of behaviors and, finally, your level of sexual competency about your own body and the sexual behavior you may engage in.

Having said that, let’s concentrate on the last one having to do with your body and sexual knowledge.

There is a small percentage of women who will never be able to achieve an orgasm, but the vast majority who want to experience an orgasm can. You have already insinuated that you can achieve an orgasm through masturbation.

Achieving an orgasm through intercourse in the standard missionary position for most women is difficult — if not impossible. This is due to the lack of direct stimulation to the clitoris. It’s important to remember that the vagina doesn’t have very many nerve endings.

The clitoris is loaded, and most professionals will tell you that the purpose of the clitoris is strictly pleasure. It is one of the reasons that most women rate oral sex performed on them as the most pleasurable form of sexual behavior.

What you need to do is try including clitoral stimulation with your partner. If you choose to have vaginal intercourse, try positions that involve more direct stimulation to the clitoris.

Encourage your partner to be a “hands-on” kind of guy, if you know what I mean. You may have to educate him.

As you can see, sexual response is much more complicated than just turning on a faucet and expecting a hot response.

There also is a critical need for mutual consent, respect, communication and the protection you both need when engaging in any form of sexual activity.

If you do all that and practice good body mechanics, you just might be able to say that you found love in all the right places.

Peace, love dove.

—Dr. D.

Dennis Martell, Ph.D., is a coordinator of Olin Health Center education. E-mail him your questions at dennis.martell@ht.msu.edu.