Summertime, and the livin's easy. But easy living always comes with its drawbacks. Summer always poses some major disparities of mind, body and soul — but working through these can be a breeze.
Without a landlocked state of being, my physical attraction toward others would be lost as I'd be holed up in the depths of my house playing career mode in a baseball video game until 2012.
I'd have forgotten to shave by this point, acquiring a face of half fuzz, half "what the hell is that?" With my dress clothes in storage, I have every excuse to avoid formal settings. There's a good chance I might forget every basic necessity of hygiene.
But there is life ahead to be lived, even amid the 90 plus-temperatures and humidity that are sure to come. I will live — and live vibrantly!
"Seinfeld"'s George Costanza proclaimed his "Summer of George!" I'll have my "Summer of a million-trillion dreams that could very well end with my tragic, but foreseen demise!" Oh, that's catchy — and not only have I beaten George at his own game, but my idea wallops Disney's pathetic marketing ploy.
What began with a two-story beer bong evolved into a wild binge of alcoholism, and eventually the creation of a top-secret society of nudists three-stories over the rest of East Lansing's unsuspecting population. Eventually it calmed down, but the worst is certainly to come.
Summer is the magical season of excess — a time to kick back, kill time and forget the worries and woes of the school year.
To ensure success in this four-month marathon, I keep myself prepared and well-equipped. Proper attire and supplies can make or break a successful summer lifestyle binge.
A relaxing outfit is the first key — if your body isn't comfortable, then neither is your mind. For my feet I prefer a reliable pair of flip-flops, tailgate edition with the bottle opener in the sole. I tend to lose important gadgets, so why not keep one permanently attached?
Second on my list of essentials is a pair of white, linen pants. Expensive and hard to maintain, but when well-balanced they scream a higher level of human existence than the typical choice of jeans or shorts. People see the white and suddenly your binge isn't quite the scourge it would otherwise seem.
Continuing with indulgent elegance, polos make a great addition to the simple, sophisticated look. I prefer solid colors — the fewer colors on your body, the less likely people are to notice there is week-old beer crust on the corner of your mouth.
While spending time creating a nudist colony to adorn the rooftop, I decided sunglasses do not count as clothing — one can be naked while wearing sunglasses. I have three pairs — I rotate them always have extras just in case I lose them (did I mention I lose things?).
So you're dressed for the incredible binges, but there comes a time in every life of excess to crawl — however slowly — out of the gutter. My excursions generally take me to the golf course (when I have money) or to the tennis courts.
Active sports generally require active wear — dressing up for golf is a must, while the tennis courts usually allow for an amped-up pair of pajamas (just don't sleep in them if you sweat profusely).
Hitting the links can be one of the most liberating feelings for a young man on the verge of entering the corporate world — dressing up, enjoying a drink with "colleagues," and showing up the old-timers with 250-yard-plus drives.
Shorts and polos will do well here — casual elegance accentuated by a gloved hand and a pair of sunglasses.
While golf itself is a great pastime, so is scoping out women on the course for induction into the nudist colony.
The active life is nice, but my motivation only stretches so far when the weather is pleasant and I could just as easily climb up the fire escape and enjoy a frosty brew and sit with some naked women.
Follow my tips, and you could too.
Trey Scroggin can be reached at scroggi3@msu.edu.
