Hi Dr. D,

I have a relationship question for you that I really am struggling with. What are some signs that a relationship just isn't "meant to be" compared to if a relationship just needs a little work? I really need help!

Sincerely,
On the Rocks

Dear OTR,

This question is one for the ages and quite appropriate for this week in which many choose to celebrate the quintessential couple's experience: Valentine's Day. I do feel for you as you struggle with this, and if it is any consolation, you are far from being alone in wanting answers. The question really is about how to know the difference between a healthy relationship that needs everyday energy and commitment, as opposed to a relationship that may not be healthy, and may require you to end the commitment.

At the very core of our existence, we all want to be able to relate to, love and be loved by another. Relationships can give depth and meaning to our lives, and they offer potential for enormous individual growth. On the other hand, they also have the potential to interfere with growth and the enjoyment of life.

I think the best way for me to answer your question is to first have you answer a couple of mine. In reference to your statement of whether it is "meant to be," I guess the key question is: What does the term relationship mean to you, and maybe more importantly, what does it mean to you to be in a relationship? Finding meaning in relationships is not unlike finding meaning in life. It all starts by closely examining the things in life that are most important to us and what it is that we strive to bring into our lives.

There is an old exercise I used to have students do in which they rank the most important elements they need in a relationship. They were to choose among trust, friendship, good communication, commitment, love, humor, sexual variety, shared interests, mutual respect, ability to face conflict and positive support. Do this, and if the things that you rate as important and meaningful are not found in your present relationship, then this should be part of the knowledge you use when you determine whether it is "meant to be."

In thinking about what constitutes a healthy relationship, I immediately go to the sole definition of health, which for me is freedom. Using this simple definition, I would ask you — Do you feel like you have freedom within this relationship? Are you free to choose, discuss, say "yes," say "no," say what you want, say what you need, leave, and to enjoy yourself outside the relationship? A healthy relationship is one in which you have the freedom and the clarity to make choices, which will allow you to grow and find meaning.

All relationships require that you make a commitment to be in it and to put the required energy into the process. We tend to bastardize the true definition of commitment and its importance. Commitment, defined, is a "now" process which does not worry about tomorrow and makes no judgments about the past. It is important that you and your partner both define what your commitment is and how you both are going to be in it. Nothing will destroy a relationship faster than an undefined commitment. Case in point is the rule of thumb that the person who is least committed to the relationship will in most cases have the balance of the power. Making sure the commitment is equal is paramount.

The last thing I would like you to consider is the following list of things people do, or do not do, at the start of a relationship which hinder them from finding an answer to the question you pose about whether it is "meant to be."

First: Not asking enough questions. Yes, it may not be romantic to ask about family background, or personal values and ethics, but you should consider doing this before giving in emotionally.

Second: Ignoring warning signs of potential problems. You need to be tuned in to yourself and take a clue from past relationships as to these warning signs… take off your blinders.

Third: Making premature compromises is an effort to make it work. It is easy to lose your sense of self early in a bad relationship and create a false sense that everything is fine.

Fourth: Giving in to material seduction. We tend to do this when we want to fortify our own sense of self and our own status.

Fifth: Even though I told you to define your commitment, make sure that you do not make a commitment before you ascertain compatibility and the other things you put on your list as important to you in a relationship. Do not let the pressure of not having anyone, or your tiredness of being alone, force you into an early commitment.

I wish you the freedom you deserve in deciding whether it is "meant to be." Peace.

Send questions for Dr. D. to thoma450@msu.edu.