The Testament of Dr. Uwe Boll
Dr. Uwe Boll is a man of rare skill — not movie-making skill — but skill nonetheless. Unfortunately he is a director. Boll is able to ignore the universal disdain from critics and commoners alike and modestly compare himself with directors like Sergio Leone and David Lynch.
The returns on his most recent endeavors have been dismal, although he claims he recoups these losses by producing and distributing the films himself. His films are released under the now ominous Boll KG production company, whose name is a sure sign you are about to watch a movie that makes "Batman Forever" look like "Ben Hur".
Sure the reception of his films has been abysmal, but he has more films on the way now then ever before. How could this be? How could the man, whose name is now synonymous with poor filmmaking among movie aficionados, get funding for more films?
It is through a fiendishly clever scheme and it involves, according to speculation on the Internet, a subtle manipulation of German tax law, self production (which he does with the passion of a man trying to maximize his profits) and worldwide distribution.
According to many sources, his German investors are able to write off any losses for unsuccessful films, a la "The Producers." Boll also is able to keep costs down by buying the rights to semi-popular video games after their shelf life (and value) have diminished — acquiring the licenses at bargain basement prices. He also waits until the last minute to hire actors, getting them during down periods. They phone in their performance and pick up their checks.
Boll has been quoted on various Web sites saying, "I never overpay actors. It's one of the reasons I go very late asking actors."
I guess you could say you get what you pay for. All three of Boll's most recently directed films released in the United States have found a seemingly permanent home in the Bottom 100 of the Internet Movie Database.
With this financing in place the stage is set for Boll — who by the way has his doctorate in literature — to create some of the worst movies to grace the silver screen in recent years. In fact, his movies have garnered such dreadful responses, that he has been compared to the legendary Ed Wood. Of course this seems unfair to Wood, who was passionate about filmmaking albeit somewhat inept at it, since many of Boll's comments lend credence to the Internet rumors that he has little regard for filmmaking as an art and only seeks to make a profit.
Apparently things are working out for him, at least for the time being. According to Internet rumors, as of 2006, new projects will no longer be able to take advantage of the German tax loophole, but films announced before the end of 2005 are grandfathered in.
Boll has a long list of films, five following his newest "BloodRayne," that he has announced and acquired the rights to film. This list includes his next film, "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" which will star none other than Burt Reynolds as the king.
Boll is not above reading what the fans have to say, and he has been quoted numerous times stating that the reason his films do poorly is because moviegoers are too stupid to appreciate them.
Boll, if nothing else, is always entertaining. Perhaps he knows that his outrageous comments will further inflame critics and moviegoers alike, who continue to be mystified by the steady stream of video game adaptations coming out of Boll KG.
If you liked "Alone In the Dark," "House of the Dead," or "BloodRayne" you might also like "Troll 2," "Super Mario Bros.," "Batman & Robin" and the sound of fingernails grating on a chalkboard.
Colin Boes is a first-year law student. Reach him at boescoli@msu.edu.
