How do you take the story of a phenomenal ancient warrior and turn it into possibly the most boring three hours of your life?
Apparently, by giving it to Oliver Stone.
The director, known for biopics, presents an overdramatic and overbroad interpretation of Alexander the Great in the highly-touted new film, "Alexander."
With majestic music that rarely matches the action, incessant retellings of Greek myths and five or six too many inspirational pre-battle soliloquies, "Alexander" is a bore from start to finish, surely not an accurate depiction of the ruler's tumultuous life.
Alexander the Great conquered 90 percent of the known world between 336 and 323 B.C. Only in his early 20s, he led his Greek and Macedonian armies on an 8-year conquest of southwest Asia.
Stone tells us all of this through dialogue and narration. We're told Alexander conquered Persia. We're told he's disliked in India. We're told his men are tired of the long march.
OK, now show us.
The film focuses too heavily on the relationship between Alexander and his estranged mother and father as well as his romance with one of his generals, Hephaistion.
It would have done Stone (and audiences) good to stick to the facts about Alexander's military campaigns. We need to see more maps, more strategies and more physical evidence for Alexander's hyped greatness.
Speaking of greatness, Colin Farrell shows a certain lack of it in the title role. He merely shouts from the diaphragm throughout the film, giving Alexander both an inhumane quality and a hint of an Irish brogue.
As Farrell attempts to downplay his accent, apparently the other players were instructed to enhance their own.
Aside from this trainwreck of dialects, the entire film suffers from poor composition. As is usual with Stone, he uses various camera techniques and film stocks within one scene. This makes the battle sequences, our last hope for entertainment amid the "Alexander" disaster, all disappointedly difficult to follow and enjoy.
If you thought this year's earlier release, "Troy," was tediously long-winded, then "Alexander" will set a whole new standard for death-by-ancient epic. You'll find more action, excitement and certainly more accuracy on the History Channel.
