Saturday, December 4, 2021

Wildcats will get declawed after Spartan win

With last week’s games doused in craziness (see H for Haygood) and cheating (see M for Michigan or R for Referee), we’re back to predict week five in college pigskin. Who thinks Ryan Van Dyke is playing this week?

Season to date: Arthole 14-4, Special K 12-6.

Northwestern (3-1) at No. 18 MSU (3-0)

These two teams pulled off the best victories of last Saturday, with Northwestern’s coming in amazing upset fashion over Wisconsin. Having already faced TCU’s LaDainian Tomlinson and the Wisconsin’s Michael Bennett, the Wildcats are matched against a top-notch running back for the third week in a row.

Arthole: With the Wildcats playing winning football again, former Northwestern skipper Gary Barnett - who left after the 1998 season to coach Colorado, currently 0-3 - realizes he blew a good thing and comes crawling to Spartan Stadium to get his job back. After much badgering by Barnett, current Northwestern head coach Randy Walker tells him, “You can count on getting nothing.” A furious Barnett replies, “Then you can count on me waiting for you in the parking lot!” Northwestern’s game plan and chance of victory go out the window, since their coach is too busy preparing for the Red Cedar Ruckus.

MSU 28, Northwestern 12

Special K: Northwestern’s Run for the Roses will stop promptly in East Lansing, when the Wildcats arrive at Spartan Stadium and realize their truck of gear is filled with school books, not football equipment. This doesn’t bode well for the boys from Evanston, as they can’t tackle MSU’s morphed quarterback Jeff Van Smoker. After the game, the Wildcats find out their football pads were left at home on purpose by the university president, who doesn’t want his academic institution tarnished by sports.

MSU 41, Northwestern 3

No. 17 Wisconsin (3-1) at No. 9 Michigan (3-1)

Both of these teams were in the top five earlier in the year, but have not lived up to expectations. However, this game will still play a big role in shaping the Big Ten race this season.

Arthole: With less than thirty seconds left in regulation and U-M ahead by six, Drew Henson realizes he didn’t score a touchdown yet and takes off for the endzone. Preoccupied with watching his star get brighter, Henson fumbles when he is pummeled by Badger cornerback Jamar Fletcher, who grabs the ball and races towards the goal line. Headed for certain victory, Fletcher suddenly trips over a corpse inexplicably lying on the 12-yard-line and time expires - Badgers lose. The body is later identified as ABC’s Brent Musberger, who passed out after yelling “There he goes folks, the A-Train!” a couple thousand times that day.

Michigan 31, Wisconsin 26

Special K: BATTLE OF THE OVERRATED - PART I. The Badgers finally got what they deserved last week, after squeaking by in earlier games against the likes of Cincinnati. U-M, on the other hand, lucked out with the help of Big Ten referees in Champaign, Ill. The Wolverines will come out on top in Ann Arbor, thanks to stud running back Anthony Thomas, and his fat friends on the offensive line. They’ll control the line of scrimmage, while the Badgers will be left to wonder “what could have been and what never was.”

Michigan 27, Wisconsin 14

No. 6 Washington (3-0) at No. 20 Oregon (3-1)

These two are the hottest teams in the PAC-10, with Washington coming off an emotional win at Colorado and the Ducks victorious over No. 15 UCLA. The Huskies have their work cut out for them, since Oregon has won 17 straight at home.

Arthole: Washington and Oregon run the ball rather well, thanks to Husky Marques Tuiasosopo and Duck Maurice Morris. Knowing this, Oregon coach Mike Bellotti commissions Morris to talk smack to Tuiasosopo in hopes of taking him off his game. Not very bright, the best Morris could do was call Tuiasosopo “Husky-pants.” At first, the quip goes right over Tuiasosopo’s head, but later opens up a slew of bad memories from his chubby childhood. Distraught, Tuiasosopo breaks down and weeps; Ducks win.

Oregon 34, Washington 33

Special K: Oregon’s run of 17 straight home victories comes to an end this week. The Huskies prove they’re a legitimate national championship contender, and that they’re not intimidated by the ghost of Steve Prefontaine. In fact, Washington declares they hate both movies and the Nike shoes Prefontaine once donned.

Washington 30, Oregon 20

No. 11 Tennessee (2-1) at LSU (2-2)

Tennessee rebounded from its tough loss to Florida by destroying Louisiana-Monroe 70-3 last week. Meanwhile, coach Nick Saban and his LSU Tigers stumbled last week and fell 13-10 to Alabama-Birmingham, thanks in part to struggling quarterback Josh Booty.

Arthole: The Booty has been pretty stanky lately. He should learn to wipe properly, and pass accurately. Last week against UAB, Booty was 15-of-38 for 156 yards and five interceptions. Looks like Booty is shaping up to be the turnover-prone quarterback Saban always seems to have. Tennessee wails on another Louisiana school. Snore.

Tennessee 55, LSU 17

Special K: Although Tennessee took a hit in the title hopes with a loss to Florida two weeks ago, they give LSU the big hit this week. LSU players complain they’re distracted by talks of Nick Saban running to the Cincinnati Bengals. Saban “snaps” on his players at halftime, and the Tigers return to the field smelling like a combination of blood and hair spray. The Vols in a laughter - to everybody but Saint Nick.

Tennessee 34, LSU 9

Jeff Karzen can be reached at karzenje@msu.edu. Arthur Alcid can be reached at alcidart@msu.edu.

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