Why I'm weary of English professors

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Catherine. In this blog, I’m Probably Judging You, “you” refers to language elitists, grammar bumblers, and a variety of others to fall under my scrutiny. Am I being an elitist for blogging under such a title? Maybe. But anything more judicious, like our pal Judge Judy, risked copyright infringement. I’m over it. So let’s begin.

I’ve been correcting my English teachers since the eighth grade.

I’m oftentimes personally offended when I know more about grammar than my teacher or professor. You’re my teacher, for whom I am indirectly paying to teach me things I don’t know. Granted, we all have our specialties, and I fully acknowledge the intelligence of most of my instructors thus far. I’m sure the kid sitting next to me knows more about Metal Gear Solid — horrible example — than my professor. But I’m pretty sure the English language is sort of a cornerstone of all English professions. Maybe.

I don’t attribute these corrections to my stellar knowledge of the language; rather, I’ve been observing a trend of structural and syntactical apathy in every source of whose English sagacity is to be expected.

I suffered a depressing realization yesterday of how truly arbitrary languages are and will continue to be until the human race dies off or is otherwise incapacitated. I’ve always known that standard English isn’t exactly a tried-and-true formula developed from logic and rationale, but I’ve had faith in its existence for being a beacon of standard for speech and, more specifically, writing. In fact, I still maintain that faith, and acknowledging its arbitrariness will better serve me as an editor to take into account different dialects whose rules aren’t necessarily wrong; they simply aren’t accepted as the standard.

With that said, why do English teachers and professors continue to tell their students that knowing grammar isn’t important when their students are in class to become English teachers or some related field!? So yeah, I get it that grammar rules are wholly random, but a handful of linguists/lexicographers/otherwise knowledgeable individuals created these rules of English not to control or restrain it from development or growth but to establish principles for writing, learning, and structuring the language. You could violate myriad grammatical rules in everything you do and still make sense, but if everyone wrote how they believed a word should be written or how a sentence should be structured, you would have countless interpretations on your hands and may never quite understand what the writer is denoting, thus negating the purpose of language: communication.

English will change in the next few decades — that’s a given, and the change will not necessarily be unwelcome. In time rules will mirror the tendencies and conveniences of the population who speaks the language, so the tenets of grammar, spelling, speech, etc. will adjust accordingly. Nothing wrong with that. But DON’T, for the love of Jesus and other sons or daughters of alleged supreme beings, use the language’s inevitable change as an excuse to neither know nor teach your students grammar, if for nothing else than to explain the changes of grammar over centuries. Descriptive grammar is more important for language arts teachers to understand, blah blah blah. Okay, cool. But I guarantee you the lack of cornerstone knowledge of English grammar will eventually screw you over, be it in a job or with an inquisitive classroom.

As an editor and as an English teacher, one must know and understand the parts of speech and the elements of a sentence; how else will you explain to authors and students why something may sound better a certain way or and may have incorrect implications, especially concerning varying dialects? How else will you best define languages as a whole, as well as their functions and transitions across continents and time periods?

Maybe it’s a Michigan thing. Someone tell me it’s a Michigan thing. Please.