Criticism helpful for rude people

The reason jerks exist is because nobody ever calls them on their BS. This is why I can’t stand polite people. Infinitely tolerant of even the most egregiously inappropriate and insecure behavior, they outright ignore sexist, racist, selfish, or overcompensating behavior, usually only to rip into the poor sap the moment they’re out of the room.

Drew Robert Winter

People can change and people deserve honest criticism, not gossip and exclusion.

Criticism is not inherently wrong; It’s only wrong when it’s hijacked for use as an insult. Obviously, some are very sensitive to criticism, but in these cases, honesty is especially important. The longer a jerk lives without others confronting them, the more unreasonable and stubborn they become. Eventually they’ll become huge jerks — the last stage of progression — when the condition becomes terminal.

Back to being polite: Firstly, let’s distinguish between “polite” and “considerate.” Someone who listens to you intently and kindly speaks their mind is considerate. Polite is the two-faced jerk nodding in agreement who gets a kick out of insulting you later.

Considerate people acknowledge they lack omniscience and give their counterparts the benefit of the doubt, but they also openly question dubious assertions and less than admirable behavior.

Polite behavior — infinite tolerance in order to avoid confrontation — is both selfish and harmful. Not only is it spineless not to defend what you find logical and true, but your abstinence from argument serves to prop up your jerk-counterpart’s beliefs, further cementing their behavior as not only tolerable, but respectable.

When a jerk told our dinner party how she almost literally forced alcohol down her friend’s throat on her 21st birthday, I didn’t laugh in unison with the rest of the table. She was encouraging potentially fatal behavior and she needed to know that. Laughing would’ve legitimized her action as a good joke.

It’s important to understand the criticality of our response to that anecdote. Her retelling was a rather common social ritual used to garner approval for one’s behavior, a common jerk symptom.

You know the situation: You’re arguing with your friend about who gets to keep your potato sack race trophy. As soon as you get off the phone, you can’t wait to explain to someone else how silly your friend is for wanting to keep it. After all, it was you who picked the most elastic sack, and you jogged half a mile the previous day, so you did most of the work.

You dump your angst on your friend, expecting them to automatically take your side. Not me.

If someone’s legitimately wronged, they’ve got to prove it before I’ll say they’re right and someone else is wrong. That’s because I actually believe in doing the right thing and not everyone who is upset is on the right side of the disagreement.

Of course, some situations are more conducive to critical discussion than others. Abstain from criticism at the following locations: wedding ceremonies, most group events, rifle ranges and cross burnings.

Critiquing strangers is generally not a good idea. Not because they’re strangers, but because it’s usually hard to form a strong basis for your observations in the time you have with strangers. By that time they’ve almost certainly become acquaintances. Of course, there are exceptions, mostly involving cell phones and movie theaters.

Fear, however, is not an excuse. In fact, if you’re too afraid of having your views challenged to calmly discuss them, you may need to talk to someone professionally, because you might be a jerk yourself. If you just don’t want to hurt your jerk’s feelings, remember that even if they get angry or upset at the time, they’ll likely thank you for it later. If they don’t, they’re huge jerks. (See above).

Nobody wants to be told they’ve got flaws and certainly no one wants to tell anyone that either. But some things, like personal growth, yield more long-term benefits than short-term comfort. We all have to deal with each other in this world, and we’re all jerks now and then. So as a personal courtesy, please drop the facade and say what you’re really thinking.

You and those you encounter will be a lot better off if you take the time to bless someone with the opportunity to see themselves, and life, in a new perspective. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Drew Robert Winter is a State News columnist. Reach him at winterdr@msu.edu .