A “red flag” in a relationship is a tricky concept. Most often they are realized in hindsight, after bridges have already started to burn. Often times the signs are subliminal and difficult to catch.
Realizing those flags before they create festering conflict can save a lot of time and stress.
Some researchers have spent their lives creating theories and conducting studies to evaluate what relationships are and how they function. Relationship science is a growing field with troves of academic research supporting various perspectives on romance.
Each relationship is different and subject to the needs of any given partner. Red flags, too, are contingent upon individual actions and reactions when time is spent together.
With that in mind, these three questions can help you identify red flags in your relationship.
Knowing your partner’s concerns can only come from hearing them out. Ironing out misunderstandings takes time and effort from both sides.
Malcolm Parks and Mara Adelman, then-professors of communications at the University of Washington, studied the effect of communication on relationships as far back as 1983.
Their study revolved around a theory called uncertainty reduction, which states interpersonal relationships develop as participants reduce uncertainty with each other.
Participants were asked questions to assess the amount of communication between themselves and their partner, as well as how stable their relationship was and how well they knew the other person.
Results from phone interviews conducted three months later revealed more communication meant less uncertainty — and an increased likelihood of staying together.
Effective communication builds trust and respect between partners and can avoid some common pitfalls that lead to break-ups. It may seem obvious, but emotions are complex, which makes constant clarification necessary.
Both parties need to be in agreement as to the expectations of the relationship and why they are in place. It takes understanding and empathy to maintain communication networks. Without those, talking about serious issues becomes much harder.
Many relationship problems stem from attachment, whether its perceived as too much or not enough. It’s important that both partners feel comfortable with their respective levels of attachment.
Relationship scientists have tackled this idea as well. The attachment theory designates three main types of attachment.
People who are “anxiously attached” crave intimacy, stemming from a fear of abandonment.
Those who are “avoidantly attached” place less value on intimacy and view close relationships cautiously, as a potential loss of independence.
Scoring low on both spectra suggests “secure attachment.” People in this category are more comfortable and well-adjusted.
“Every person, whether he or she has just started dating someone or has been married for 40 years, falls into one of these categories,” according to a Scientific American quiz based on the work of authors Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
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Understanding your personal attachment type and looking for the qualities you need in a relationship can improve your dating life, according to a Washington Post analysis.
Multiple books cited in the Post analysis go in-depth on the theory and how it relates to relationship development.
Signs can be spotted early, from how much someone initially discloses about themselves. Anxiously attached people may disclose too much, while avoidantly attached people may disclose almost nothing.
People of different attachment types can have successful relationships, but they require more effort and communication to be sustainable.
Trust is tough to earn and even harder to earn back. Questioning your partner or feeling suspicious can spell trouble for the sustainability of any relationship.
Distrust can fester, and negative energy bottles up quickly, ultimately overflowing and causing distress among partners.
John Gottman, an expert in relationship science, coined ATTUNE, an acronym to relay ways of building trust, which he describes in a short video. The acronym's components are:
ATTUNE is a model for positive interactions that build trust in small moments where it’s created.
Distrust, according to Gottman, is separate from betrayal. Betrayal not only leads to the betrayed growing away from their partner, but makes them believe that they can find someone better.
This cascades into bickering, lower investment and lack of sacrifice.
The solutions largely come down to communication, as it is necessary to prevent a downward spiral of mistrust and resentment.
Analyzing trust is ultimately an individual decision. If you know there is reason to mistrust your partner, then that itself is a red flag in the relationship.
Valentine’s Day is a time for celebration in relationships. But through the rest of the year, people constantly evaluate and re-evaluate their relationships, no matter how long they may have lasted.
If it feels like the romance is simply going through the motions, if it feels unfulfilling, or if something just feels missing or disconnected, this research might help you take a closer look at the problem.
