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Detroit politics is pure entertainment

June 21, 2009

Ian Johnson

I know very little about the television industry. In fact, to say I know anything at all would be a lie. Give me a video camera and I’ll give you shots of people’s feet after I leave it recording. Tell me to build a stage and you might be lucky enough to get a birdhouse. More importantly, I have no idea what even makes a TV show successful.

On the other hand, I do know what’s entertaining. And I find the Detroit City Council extremely entertaining.

I feel like the show the council puts on doesn’t get noticed far beyond the state’s borders, and that is probably best for Michigan. But that means there are 49 other states that are missing out on the drama, the sex, the bribery and — most importantly — the church choral sessions.

This show is must-see reality TV.

It already has exactly what shows thrive on — a cast of incredibly dysfunctional people who are more concerned with being seen than accomplishing the task at hand. Detroit could be the prize that 167 City Council hopefuls can fight for — winner takes all the glory. Cameras can follow around the Motor City’s most influential people and viewers can get a new installment of Detroit’s destruction every week.

It’s not a shame we’re thinking about this idea. It’s a shame we didn’t think of it sooner. Filming would have to start immediately, because we’ve already missed some major plot points.

After a lengthy scandal and some prison time, former Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has fled the scene to Texas and has shacked up in a $1.1 million mansion. He was a primary character in the story, so he’ll be hard to replace. There is, however, still an unresolved issue with a possible Manoogian Mansion party that might have resulted in the death of a stripper. If people start digging enough, Kwame could be in for a repeat performance in the Michigan correctional system. Knowing him, we might even see a paternity suit come out of the woodwork. Even though our star is gone for now, I sense that he has an encore in him.

But in his stead, the City Council features a cast of characters that have “reality TV” written all over them. Councilmember Monica Conyers, our most promising star, seems like she’s ready for the big stage. Conyers is neck deep in a waste removal contract scandal and is being investigated by the federal government. Conyers reportedly accepted a bribe in exchange for her approval vote on a waste contract, which one person in the investigation has said to be worth thousands of dollars.

Many have begun calling for Conyers’ resignation, but she’s holding strong in her position. No plea deals for this girl; she has viewers to entertain.

Don’t start getting the impression that the council is a one-horse enterprise, though. The best moments always seem to happen when these people are together.

For instance, five council members held a press conference in an attempt to increase opposition to the renovation of Cobo Hall convention facilities. But their issue was quickly forgotten by the public when each council member started singing the hymn “Onward, Christian Soldiers.” If “The God Warrior” from Wife Swap can get almost 200,000 views on YouTube.com, then this blend of church and state could blow that out of the water.

It gets even better when you consider that one of the singers, Councilmember JoAnn Watson, is in the middle of a property tax scandal. Records showed her house was considered a vacant lot, even though it was clearly occupied. Watson paid less than $100 in property taxes this year because of the discrepancy but said she didn’t bother to question the low sum. With council members like this, no wonder Kilpatrick was able to stay in office as long as he did.

This idea could really work. Detroit officials seek attention and have enough personal problems to make a reality show incredibly entertaining. Usually these shows are about watching one person implode; why not expand the idea to an entire city?

There also are almost 200 potential cast members ready for their moment in the spotlight. The production company can just treat the election like an open casting call that welcomes each half-assed idea of how to save the city. In the season finale, network brass could hand out a plaque to congratulate the one contestant who was smart enough to manipulate their way to the top and “save” Detroit.

“Only one person could possibly fix the city,” host T.J. Lavin will say to the winner. “You really killed it out there.”

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