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Dear DJ,

I want to simultaneously thank you for your e-mail and also wish that you had never written it. I sincerely feel for your girlfriend and my heart goes out to her as she heals from what was done to her. I also want to encourage you to keep engaging in your thoughts and actions to educate others on this issue. The part of me that wishes you had never written is the part that has had to deal with this issue for nearly 25 years as a health educator and even longer as a disillusioned member of the male gender. I always hold out hope that I will never have to see another e-mail like this ever again.

Over the years, I have been involved in numerous groups, task forces and initiatives to educate men about violence toward women and issues having to do with date rape and sexual assault. Many of these initiatives, such as MSU Safe Place and the Sexual Assault Program at the MSU Counseling Center, offer excellent services and resources for women who have been assaulted, as well as educational programs to try and help educate those who might perpetrate such atrocities and those who are bystanders.

The problem is that things don’t seem to be changing much when it comes to preventing sexual assault. Next year, MSU will initiate a new two-hour seminar for all incoming freshmen on sexual assault and violence. My wish is that the seminar will help to change some behavior and attitudes, but I am not going to hold out too much hope that the seminar can do it alone. Why? Because it is only one two-hour program and I think it is time for us to quit kidding ourselves and hoping that we can find one magic program or a silver bullet to help change this problem from the outside, especially at the stage of the development of many of these men.

Ideally, parents would instill in their young boys the value of civility and just treatment for all, no matter what the situation. But because this does not always happen, we are left with men who harbor and act under mistaken beliefs and false entitlements. If there is going to be real change, then I believe it needs to come from the soul of any man who believes, for some reason, that they can impose on or take advantage of a woman to fulfill a gain.

We (men) need to call upon other men to engage in an introspective review of our core values. In the Upper Peninsula, we sometimes call this a “gut check.” I understand that this will not work for all men. There will always be some who will believe they can impose their will on anyone without reservations and who enjoy creating disharmony in the world, no matter what we do.

But for those men who will listen, let me start and say this very clearly. If you are ever in a position where you are thinking about imposing your will on another for personal gain, you would be best to consider the following: You will gain nothing of value, and you will create nothing but disharmony in the world. You cannot justify it, rationalize it or forgive it. It is what it is — wrong! We are all equal parts in life and we share the same energy. Whatever you do to one, you do to yourself. This is not a religious or even a spiritual principle; it is the simple truth of life.

Instead of being a “bystander” in life having to deal with this issue, maybe it is time we, as men, act and “stand by her.” DJ, I appreciate your need to do something and hope that maybe your e-mail will begin this for you and other men.

Peace, Dr. D.

Dennis Martell, PhD, is a coordinator of Olin Health Center Education Services. E-mail him your questions at dennis.martell@ht.msu.edu.