—GD

Dear GD,

Thanks for the question. It always amazes me how and why we choose to refer to the practice of sexually expressing ourselves with another person. While some refer to it like they’re going after a blue light special in Kmart, and thus call it getting some, others want to express their undying devotion to the Harlequin romance theme and call it making love.

You have chosen to refer to it as physical intimacy, which is sort of a biopsychological way of referring to sexual expression. Why is any of this important? Well, I am not sure it is, other than I really have this thing about connecting the word “intimacy” solely with acts of sexual expression.

As a society, we really suck (no pun intended) at communicating when it comes to expressing our sexuality. It is important for people to clarify exactly what it is they are talking about when it comes to their sexual expression.

I know this is not what you were asking about, so let me just say the following about clarifying this most maligned term, intimacy.

Intimacy, as a concept, is so much more than just sex. There are more than 12 different forms of intimacy, of which sex is only one and not the truest form. The truest and most passionate form of intimacy is honest and open communication. Only when this is present is sex truly intimate.

OK, back to your question. I am going to assume both of you have communicated about this next step in your sexual expression and you both are willing and consenting about this practice. I also am going to presume you both consider this to be reciprocal, although from your question, it sounds more like you performing on her, which I am sure (according to research) she is delighted about. Well, that is, if you know what you are doing.

In terms of performing oral sex, there are a couple of things you both can do to reduce your risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, or STI.

If you and your partner have never been tested for infections (such as chlamydia, gonorrhea or even HIV), Olin Health Center can do that for you.

After that, you can help keep it that way by staying mutually monogamous. You also can choose to use a male condom (flavor lubricated, not spermicidal) if you are receiving oral sex, or a dental dam to place over her genitals if you are giving oral sex. If used correctly and consistently, these barriers will offer good protection against STIs.

Condoms also are an option to keep yourself safe if you and your partner choose to engage in vaginal or anal sex. While pregnancy prevention is not a concern with oral sex, it’s something you and your partner will likely want to consider if you choose vaginal sex at some point.

This might seem like a lot of information, but if you want to be intimate with your partner on any level, then communicating with her is the first step.

Peace, Dr. D.

Dennis Martell, Ph.D., is a coordinator of Olin Health Center education. E-mail him your questions at dennis.martell@ht.msu.edu.