Me: You may be seated. We’re here today to adjudicate case No. MSUFB2008, MSU football team vs. Big Ten conference title chances. This case is on appeal from the NCAA District Court and Court of Appeals, where each jury ruled that the MSU football team does not have a chance to win the 2008 Big Ten title.

The lower courts ruled against the Spartans in the case, deciding that questions at quarterback and a young defense that will struggle against more seasoned Big Ten powerhouses are too much evidence to rule in favor of the plaintiff.

Both sides have agreed to a bench trial and to forgo a ruling for a jury for the sake of expediency (it is, after all, one day before Big Ten football kickoff).

I have heard the arguments of both sides of the case in the past week and will cite four exhibits to support my ruling.

Exhibit A: The MSU offensive line.

To open the season, MSU traveled west to play California, a team who swarmed to the ball like flies on spoiled meat. Through the next three games, the Spartans’ front five have pushed opponents’ front sevens around to the point of submission. It remains to be seen whether there has been significant improvement along the line or the competition has been lowered in the past three weeks.

Exhibit B: Quarterback Brian Hoyer.

At some point this season, the senior passer will need to win a game on his shoulder. It might come down to a similar situation as last year, when Hoyer found late-season success against Purdue and Penn State.

If a search party isn’t needed for Hoyer’s game against big-name teams, the Spartans could land atop the Big Ten at season’s end.

Exhibit C: The MSU front seven.

Only two seniors, defensive tackle Justin Kershaw and defensive end Brandon Long, start along a Spartan front line that is high on talent but low on experience. Sophomore linebacker Greg Jones will need to carry a suddenly stingy defense looking for a consistency not seen in recent years.

Exhibit D: The schedule.

The Spartan slate stacks up as nicely as any other team this year, with only one extremely difficult road trip — to Happy Valley to end the season. A true Big Ten contender will not drop any of the games in which it is favored (for MSU, that means Indiana, Iowa, Northwestern and probably Purdue) and snag a win or two in hostile territory (Michigan and Penn State). Holding court at home will be vital, which means a win over either Ohio State or Wisconsin.

With these exhibits in mind, I am sending this case back down to a lower court to be decided in four weeks. My preliminary opinion is to rule in favor of the defendant because I expect a 5-3 record, with wins over Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Wisconsin and Purdue, but I am holding off issuing an official ruling until Ohio State comes to East Lansing.

We can prattle on about the merits of MSU’s Big Ten title chances and reference nonconference ups and downs, but the players need to prove they’re not, as pessimists are susceptible to saying, the “same old Spartans.”

A loss in the first three weeks destroys any chance of a Rose Bowl appearance, so I am ordering a pause in consideration until victories over Indiana, Iowa and Northwestern are obtained upon further discovery.

Once Ohio State visits Spartan Stadium, the Football Court of Appeals will revisit the case to determine the validity of an MSU appeal for the Big Ten title. At that time, the plaintiff may either drop its case or ask for a reconsideration from the courts.

Unless there are any other questions for the defendant or plaintiff, then this court is adjourned.

(Gavel pounds.)

Jacob Carpenter is not actually a judge, he’s a football reporter for The State News. Send him your predictions at carpe219@msu.edu.