-FS

Dear FS,

“I’m bringing sexy back, them other boys don’t know how to act.” Justin Timberlake almost got it right when he sang this line. The part he got wrong was bringing back “sexy” isn’t nearly as important as bringing forth “sex-e” as in sex educated. That’s really what I was referring to when I made the statement that most MSU students were not sex-e. Most people lack accurate knowledge about sexual behaviors, norms and practices that equip them to be involved in a sexual experience and/or relationship that is satisfying for both parties. Unfortunately we live in a society that talks sex, thinks sex, does sex, but doesn’t know sex.

There are four things I ask students to consider before engaging in sexual behavior with a consenting partner. First, decide why you are choosing to have sex at this time with this person. Second, decide the commitment level you need to have with this individual in order for you to engage in this sexual behavior comfortably. Third, decide how you feel about the range of sexual behaviors available to you before you engage in them and choose accordingly. Fourth, become sex-e by educating yourself about the sexual behaviors that you may choose to engage in so you know what you want and need from this behavior in order to find it satisfying.

I constructed a sex-e quiz that I’ve been giving to people for years, which allows them to see how much they know about the behaviors and norms of the behaviors they are choosing to engage in. The answers come from multiple research studies that I have updated over the years. Let me ask a few, and then we can see how sex-e your boyfriend is. I will post the answers at the end.

Question One How many minutes does the average couple spend in foreplay before going on to intercourse? A. 5 or less B. 15 C. 30 D. 45.

Question Two How many minutes does the average man stay erect after beginning vaginal intercourse? A. less than 1 B. 1-5 C. 5-10 D. 10 or more.

Question Three How many minutes does the average female report they require in foreplay before going on to intercourse in order to be or feel satisfied? A. 5 B. 15 C. 25 D. 30.

Question Four What two things are most cited by both men and women as top sexual turn-ons? A. technique and environment B. breasts and penis C. smell and touch D. kissing and visual.

Question Five Who reports getting more pleasure from their sexual relationships in our society? A. men B. women C. both report equally.

OK, go ahead and score yourself (and I don’t mean engage in sex).

The answers should only be thought of as insight into norms, since there is great variability on the sexual behavior continuum. Let’s begin.

Answer One The average couple in this society spends about 11-15 minutes in foreplay before going on to some form of intercourse. For some, this might seem too long and for others it might be too short. We will see.

Answer Two The average man stays erect for about 3-5 minutes after beginning intercourse and before ejaculation. Some are shorter and some longer (time that is). Once again, for some this might be a comforting norm, especially if you did not know if you were within the norm. For others, it might be something you might want to increase, especially if your partner also wants this. It really is about what you both want and need.

Answer Three The average female reports requiring/wanting 30 minutes of foreplay. Once again, it might not be what you want, but it does give you a norm for which to benchmark against and then decide what it is you need.

Answer Four Smell and touch are the two most reported elements when considering what it is that affects an individual’s level of arousal in a sexual relationship. These two senses can have a significant impact on whether your partner’s level of interest and arousal is turned up or off.

Answer Five Men are more apt to report pleasure at a higher rate than most women in heterosexual relationships. One reason for that might be that the average heterosexual couple reports only 15 minutes of foreplay, while the average women reports needing 30 minutes of foreplay to achieve satisfaction. Who’s getting the short end of that deal (no pun intended)?

How you scored is really not important. What is important is knowing “bringing sexy back” is not as much about how you look and/or behave as it is about what you know and how you use that knowledge to communicate with your partner. Tell your boyfriend to “get his sex-e on.” Peace.

-Dr. D.

Dennis Martell, Ph.D., is a coordinator of Olin Health Education and writes a weekly health column for The State News. E-mail him your questions at dennis.martell@ht.msu.edu.