Apparently they saw it on YouTube.com and want to try and beat the record.

Could you please tell him he’s an ass.

—TK

Dear TK,

Thanks for your note. But before we go any further, we must define what it is you’re asking me to label your boyfriend. According to Merriam-Webster Online, an ass can be either: any of several hardy gregarious mammals that are smaller than the horse and having long ears (a donkey), or it can refer to a “stupid, obstinate or perverse person.”

Having worked with both horses and donkeys in the past, I do know these mammals can be quite intelligent. Thus, I am going to assume you are referring to the latter definition, which in my mind, would rightly characterize your boyfriend’s current state of decision making.

I guess the only other thing I would say to your boyfriend at this time is “Got brains?” I actually hesitated responding to your note because I really didn’t want to give this practice any more undue attention. What convinced me is that I remembered we actually had a student show up at the health center last month who had participated in such a challenge. He was lucky that he only ended up with a severe stomachache. What an udder shame. (Yeah, I know ? another bad pun).

You have to understand the apparent goal of this challenge, which was made popular by a recent movie, is to try and down a gallon of milk as fast as you can (usually within an hour).

The challenge isn’t only to do it in the time allotted, but to do it without hurling or throwing up the moo juice during this time. Observing the participants as they drink and regurgitate the contents of their stomach everywhere is part of the spectacle. It gives a whole new perverted meaning to the phrase “cookies and milk.”

Besides being a practice that rates a “huh?” on the dumbfound scale, there are several facts you need to consider before engaging in this practice.

First, there’s a total stomach capacity issue to consider. Whether it is milk or any type of fluid being consumed, the normal stomach has a half-gallon capacity. When it exceeds that capacity, there are receptors that trigger the stomach to vomit so it can return to its normal capacity.

Second, if you were counting on the milk emptying quickly into the small intestines, you might want to consider this fact: The more protein and fat there is in the milk, the longer it will take the stomach to empty the contents into the small intestine.

Whole milk has a lot of fat and protein, which could mean there may be no place for the milk to go in a hurry other than up or sideways.

Third, the dangers of perforating the esophagus and the stomach from the volume of milk drank and vomited are real.

A young man recently spent three months in a local hospital while tubes drained milk and other fluid byproducts from his chest cavity after his esophagus burst during the contest.

Fourth, although most people will not suffer from such things as a perforated stomach and/or esophagus, most people do report that this practice was unpleasant and wished they hadn’t done it. Just ask our most recent patient, who most likely left saying to himself “Milk does not do a body good.”

He might be right when talking about ingesting a gallon of milk in a short period of time.

Lastly, if you think fat-free milk would be safer, well guess again cow breath.

Fat-free milk is mostly water. Drinking that much water quickly might mess up your body’s balance of electrolytes, which could conceivably affect your heart.

Although the probability of this causing death isn’t great, why take the chance that your obituary might just read, “Moo U student gets homogenized.”

Although it really isn’t for me to label your boyfriend an ass, it is my role to lay out the facts and possible consequences of such a behavior.

I would rather have him be a smart ass than a dumb ass and end up here at Olin Health Center on Friday, crying over spilled milk. (I really need to stop.)

Please tell him that instead of wasting a perfectly good gallon of milk, he might want to consider donating that milk or the money used to purchase it to the MSU Student Food Bank.

We can then give it to a student who really needs it. Peace.

—Dr. D.

Dennis Martell, Ph.D., is a coordinator of Olin Health Education and writes a weekly health column for The State News. E-mail him your questions at dennis.martell@ht.msu.edu.