- HW

Dear HW,

A few weeks ago, I wrote an answer to a question having to do with whether it’s healthy for a man to remain a virgin until marriage. In that column, as part of the answer, I referred to a survey we did with women asking them to self-report and rate the sexual behaviors they found to be most satisfying and/or pleasurable.

At that time, I wrote that vaginal intercourse had been rated quite low on the list by women as being the most satisfying and/or pleasurable sexual behavior. I was trying to make the point to the man who wrote that vaginal intercourse is not the end all and is not all that highly rated as satisfying by women. But because the column was not necessarily about women’s sexuality, I advised readers to stay tuned to a future column to find out what sexual behavior women reported as most satisfying/pleasurable.

Well, hallelujah. You would think I had discovered the da Vinci code or stumbled upon the Holy Grail. Please: Stop writing and texting me ? I get the message ? inquiring minds want to know.

I have to say most of the inquiries were from women, predominantly of faculty and staff age. Most of the sarcastic inquiries I received were from men, who for the most part, assumed whatever “act” was rated as most satisfying must have something to do with the use of their sexual anatomy and/or prowess. Sorry to deflate your ? (well, you know), but that would be a no.

The survey itself has been an ongoing qualitative inquiry taking place during many years in the human sexuality courses I have taught, first here at MSU and now at Lansing Community College. I’m not going to claim I’ve utilized the most stringent methodology in securing my sample, but alas I’ve received pretty much the same results through the years.

In paper-and-pencil self-report surveys, I have asked women (and men in a separate survey), what “sexual behavior/act” you’ve found to be the most pleasurable and satisfying.

The purpose of the exercise is simply to educate, normalize and give permission. The results cannot be generalized to all women because ultimately, the behaviors chosen and how the term “satisfaction” is defined was and is highly personal and subjective.

OK, so the behavior that’s been rated by women as most “pleasurable and satisfying” consistently during the years has been receptive oral sex performed on them by a trusted partner. Understand this is almost always stated as being done by a trusted partner, with consent and in a safe manner. For some of you, this may be surprising, for others it may be disgusting, and yet others reading are probably saying, “Duhhh.”

The next most highly rated “satisfying” behavior cited by women that I would like to comment on is “adequate foreplay” (touching, kissing, caressing). By adequate, women usually report needing or wanting around 30 minutes of this kind of activity to feel satisfied. Unfortunately, this pales in comparison with what the usual heterosexual couple reports spending in foreplay, which is 10-15 minutes. Hmmm, wonder who’s getting the short end of that stick (sorry guys, bad pun).

Unfortunately, “foreplay” is a misnomer. The term has been used to characterize those behaviors that precede and lead up to what we think is the ultimate act of sex. For that reason, the behaviors have been minimized as important and get relatively little attention or time. Kissing, touching and caressing are behaviors that by themselves can be – and are – extremely satisfying and pleasurable. When separated as individual behaviors, they are rated very highly on the list by both women and even some men. Kissing, if I might say, is truly a lost sensuous art.

So what does this all mean? Well, as I said above, this information does help to educate and normalize sexual behavior. It also helps us to rethink what we believe will be satisfying and pleasurable.

As we move into this week of celebrating women’s sexuality, what I challenge you to do is not think in terms of the most satisfying and pleasurable “sexual” behaviors, but more in terms of what could be the most satisfying and most memorable sensuous thing the two of you can do with or for the other. Ultimately, it’s our senses – not our sex – that allow us to remember and find satisfaction in what we experience. Expergo Accipio! ? Awaken the senses!

Peace.

- Dr. D.

-Dennis Martell, Ph.D, is a coordinator of Olin Health Education and writes a weekly health column for The State News. E-mail him your questions at_ dennis.martell@ht.msu.edu.