I hate MTV.

I hate MTV because it's fresh. The art and graphic design, the editing, the visual imagery, the promotion, the press, the news updates, the wardrobe, the voice-overs, the cuts, the commercials, the intricate marketing, the liberal-based advocacy stuff, the guitar-chord feel, the obviously intelligible top-dollar, on- and off-screen talent. MTV is some real cutting-edge/new-age hipster coolness.

Everything about the production values and the meticulous attention to appealing detail is immediately and completely fresh.

So what could I possibly hate? I hate MTV because "what I could possibly hate" is obnoxiously more overt than what I like. The content. The tragically obvious way that the programing will never be allowed to match up with the production.

The Dumpsters of mundane countdown shows rife with substandard studio-produced bubble-gum pop songs and (insert generic rap/dance garbage song) complete with its own "throwing money at the camera behind a dumb bitch's ass" cliché video.

God, aren't we sick of this yet? Or the irritating "Date My Mom" slapstick reality shows that fill the daytime schedule.

Never have I seen such a glaring disparity between freshness and garbage on a network before. From an outsider's perspective, it's sickening.

I bet SuChin Pak, who looks right out of the Columbia debate team, smokes a whole pack of cigarettes between award-show takes, just to calm down. The cast at MTV looks more intellectual than an Ann Arbor book signing. I can only imagine that the VJs hate on the content of their own network worse than the kid who enjoys dining on Elmer's glue.

MTV2 is even worse. It's like it sprinkles on some OK content ultra-uncomfortably late (because they know it won't generate cheddar) over the same garbage it has on the flagship, all while increasing the creativity and abstract imaginative production. Creatively fantastic shows and bits like "Wonder Showzen," "The World According to Pretty Toney" and "The Andy Milonakis Show" are fresh exhibitions in style and humor; but why do I have to wade through the same blocks of Fall Out Boy/Ying Yang Twins-ridden programing in order to get there? If MTV is going to create a separate network totally dedicated to the subversive, why can't it do this with comprehensive resolve?

It's frustrating. Which is why when I want to watch garbage, I turn on my good ol' BET. It doesn't let any of that filtered nonsense get in the way. Just pure American trash.

Man, BET fell off. Remember when it was empowering to have a network "for us by us?" Black people, you know what I'm talking about: I'm talking back when BET had innovation, awareness programing and an actual news department complete with exclusive interviews and features. "Teen Summit" was so necessary.

But alas, that was back in the day. Now what do we get? Stupid-ass overdone award shows, disgustingly dry reality television (hmm, how many ways can we get Lil' Kim to cuss and bust out of her halter top) and, of course, variations of "Lean Wit It" pop videos. Yawn.

I guess you can't blame this hip-pop/dance-rap phase on BET any more than you can blame the obscene amount of whiny, "my girlfriend left me" punk videos found on MTV. They just play the hits, no matter how bad it makes my eardrums bleed. But you would think either network would want to at least try something different.

All I'm asking for is just a few more underground avenues, nothing major. Instead of featuring reruns of "Yo Momma," they could at least fit in a few old-school joints or under-the-radar videos. Anything with the slightest bit of relief. That's all I'm asking.

Stephen Patterson is the State News entertainment reporter. Reach him at patte294@msu.edu.