Nicolette Sheridan has every right to be upset about ABC's apology for running an allegedly racy introduction to "Monday Night Football." One of Janet Jackson's breasts was worth $550,000 - presumably more than a cool $1 million for the pair - but Sheridan's bare back could only be worth $32,500, max.
In what can only be considered an attempt at inflicting pre-color "Pleasantville" morals on America, the Federal Communications Commission has again declared indecency where there is none to be found. During a taped, inanely-written introduction to Monday night's game between Philadelphia and Dallas, Sheridan, co-star of ABC's "Desperate Housewives," appears in the Philly locker room wearing only a towel and imploring Eagles' star receiver Terrell Owens to be late to the game, if you catch our drift. Because Owens is smart, he agrees. Sheridan "drops" her towel and you get a glimpse of her bare back from the waist up. FCC Chairman Michael Powell, apparently fresh off his vacation to Mennonite country, said it was wrong of the network to keep "hot and steamy" content at the forefront of family viewing hours.
Family viewing apparently ends at 10 p.m., which is presumably when parents shut off the television, give their children a spoonful of cod liver oil to ward off typhoid and send them straight to bed. "Monday Night Football," which if you watch enough from between 9-10 p.m., will feature grown men beating the absolute crap out of each other and the occasional mistakenly-aired microphone catching a linebacker or safety calling someone a "motherfu," is, however, wholesome. Go figure.
Hopefully, parents of children who have been affected by Sheridan's lascivious behavior will be able to foot the therapist bill for the undue, deeply-rooted psychological damage a bare back has caused them. Until then, we again suggest that the FCC go @#$% themselves.
