I have no reservation in admitting to you that Halloween is by far my favorite holiday. I simply love it. The pageantry, the mischief, the witchcraft, the outright disrespect for authority - it all appeals to me, always has. It's that one night of the year when you can say, "Yesterday, I got drunk in my regular, boring clothes. Tonight, I will get drunk dressed as John McEnroe."

But to truly seize Halloween and throttle it, a killer costume is simply essential. When I was 7 years old, I used to go fishing with my great-grandfather. He would give me life lessons as we sat in his small motorboat in the middle of Lake St. Clair, many of which I still use today. He passed away years ago, but I still take to heart the most profound, sage nugget of advice I've ever received. He said to me one day while fishing for bass: "Boy, if you don't have a great costume on Halloween, then you're for s---."

Yes, my great-grandfather might have been insane. And yes, it was probably a bad idea for my parents to let him watch me and yes, he might even be entirely fictional, but the theory is still sound. Without a stellar costume, your Halloween is wasted.

I firmly believe that a strong showing in the present requires a good track record. My first elaborate costume was when I went as McDonald's songsmith Mac Tonight, the crescent-mooned faced crooner who sang about hamburgers. It involved Styrofoam, a black, Members Only jacket and more white powder than backstage of the Fleetwood Mac "Rumours" tour 1978-79. I was only in preschool, but come on, little kids are stupid and easy to impress. I killed. Some kid went as G.I. Joe. I mean, G.I. Joe? Who's kidding who here, pal.

This year, I've decided to disguise myself as Lt. Jim Dangle of "Reno 911!" The short shorts, the aviators, the mustache, everything. I made this decision in September, and I stand by it proudly today. The more I digested the intricacies needed to pull off such a disguise while keeping dignity in tact, the more I was reminded of what I've always considered to be the rules of Halloween costuming.

Why are there rules? Because Halloween is not 'Nam. I urge you all to please, please consider these guidelines while determining your Halloween disguise this season. But much like the current tailgating restrictions, regard them only as suggestions, not actual law. Let's begin.

Rule No. 1: You should select from two motivations. Costumes should be funny and/or outright impressive. Of course, this is subjective. What's funny to one person might not be funny to another. You might find "The Office" to be one of the funniest shows ever, and someone who doesn't might be considered a complete idiot. If you go for humor, you're not going to please everyone.

Rule No. 2: No one will be impressed at your esoteric mastering of nostalgic popular culture. You might think it's clever to go as David Coverdale from the band Whitesnake, but the only person who can get away with being David Coverdale is David Coverdale, even if you hire a Tawny Kitaen look-a-like to writhe on the hood of your car. If more people are asking "Who are you?" than saying "I can't believe you found a top hat just like Slash's," you've made a key mistake.

Rule No. 3: This one is mainly for the ladies, but it will apply to some of the braver dudes out there. Putting "sexy" in front of a costume almost always makes it better. What's better than a leprechaun? A sexy leprechaun. What's better than an Eskimo? A sexy Eskimo. What's better than Saddam Hussein? A sexy Saddam Hussein. What's better than Teen Wolf? Trick question. No costume would ever be better than Teen Wolf.

Rule No. 4: A mask is not a costume. A mask and nothing else, however, is a costume. An awesome costume.

So please, explore your creative limits and push the boundaries of the acceptable this Halloween. You won't be sorry that you did, and you'll certainly make the night a lot more fun for everyone else. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to hem my police hot pants. Lt. Dangle needs to be able to move like a cheetah.

Patrick Walters is the State News opinion editor. He can be reached at walter88@msu.edu.