This year, I return to MSU a little older, a little wiser. That's right, I'm a sophomore. I went through the trials and tribulations of freshman year to get to this glorified position today. And, as I look around at all the glaringly obvious freshmen, I have to laugh and wonder if they got trained to follow these freshmen "standards" during the Academic Orientation Program.

You may be curious as to how it is possible to pick out a trait about anyone on this campus. There are so many people, and you just never know.

However, aside from the blatant "Seniors '04!" shirts they love to sport, freshmen seem to conform to the same few stereotypes that are easily noticed with some observation.

All freshmen walk in giant hoards, as though they are afraid the weak ones will get picked off by upperclassmen. Sophomores and juniors are the ones who are walking in pairs or smaller groups, and seniors usually walk alone.

As for the sexes and fashion, I notice freshmen like to stick to certain ones.

The freshman girls are inevitably the ones who wear tiny tank tops and miniskirts that really should be called something like tube tops for your butt.

My advice for you is to go by the same standards model Kim Smith on VH1's Maxim Hot 100 said she goes by when wearing skimpy fashion: Think about what your grandma would say if she saw you in that.

And please, don't give me that crap about it being hot. A few extra inches at the bottom and in the chest is not going to do anything to the weather.

The other entertaining thing about freshmen girls is how oblivious they are to how inappropriate their attire is. When I moved in - on a rather cool Friday before Welcome Week - I picked out my grungiest T-shirt and shorts. As I peeked out my window Wednesday, it was like watching Comedy Central. Girls in mini-skirts, tank tops and 6-inch flip-flops were lugging huge carts of dorm essentials, all while wearing makeup and hair better suited to prom than move-in. It's better to "glisten" with sweat and be comfortable, than to have two seconds of that "sexy" look which soon melts into layers of mascara, blush and eyeliner dripping down your face.

And then, the first month or so of classes, the same thing happens. Freshmen get dressed up like it's Friday night - waking up two hours early just to go to an 8 a.m. class looking "hott." I laugh as I sport my sweats and a ponytail.

A last thing about freshmen girls. Look, you can't starve yourself all day in fear of the "Freshman 15" and then expect to drink a keg at night. Otherwise, you'll be paying homage to the porcelain god. If you don't know what that means, don't worry. You're a freshman. You'll find out soon enough.

Then there are the baby-faced freshman boys. Ah, the horn-dogs who, after having their brains drained by the college admissions process, seem to only know two things: Booze and sex.

It's animalistic in the way they pursue these things, whistling and hooting like dogs at every girl that walks past. The cafeteria meat must not be good enough for these newcomers, as they salivate over any and all of the girls around them like they're rare prime rib.

You can definitely tell where they've been too, leaving their "half bottle of cologne" scent in the elevators and staircases of campus buildings.

My favorite form of entertainment while walking through campus in these first weeks is the freshman who tries to bring as much attention to himself or herself as possible on this campus of more than 40,000 people by waving a campus map to entertain his or her friends.

There is not one other dead giveaway for a freshman than a campus map. Puh-lease. If you need to use it, be discreet - otherwise, plot out where you're going beforehand, and ask for directions if you get lost. And a side note to that: Guys, asking for directions is a good thing - only when it's not used as a lead-in to a pick up line.

Now granted, not every freshman is like this. If you just don't do these obvious things, you too can be like the rest of the undergraduates too. Congratulations to the few, proud freshmen who already know this. Although they may not be able to say where the Rock on Farm Lane is, they can still walk around inconspicuously, holding on to their dignity.

That's why they're mistaken for sophomores.

Lauren Phillips is a State News intern. She can be reached at phill383@msu.edu.