Well, it's time to dust off your Y2K kit and Cold War safety diagrams. Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge and his new department are expanding their budget as they move up their grade school-esque warning systems from colors to shapes.
Ridge is advising us to "Make a kit!" and "Have a plan!" He has millions of dollars in his budget and his department is giving us diagrams that tell us, when trapped, head to an exit with a nice arrow leading the way.
Ridge also informs us about what to put in our emergency kits: Duct tape, plastic sheeting and water, among other items.
Thank you, Mr. Secretary. I'm sure the tape will keep us safe from anthrax, the sheets will no doubt protect us from deadly radiation and, by consuming some fresh H2O, my immune system will outlast any disease or virus that those evil biological terrorists can throw at us.
Somewhere, a cockroach is laughing hysterically as we bioterror-attack-proof our homes.
Come on, Ridge, can't you do better than this? Why does our government constantly advise us how to survive the terror it has created? For those of us who do not find all these colors and kits humorous, you're scaring us.
Week after week of information on how to avoid dying, or at least try to, but no reports on what the government, our protector, is doing to combat it.
In history class, when we covered the 1950s, didn't we all snicker at the diagrams of a man saving himself from Russian radiation by ducking and covering under a desk? This is exactly what it is giving us now - the government is recycling its scapegoat propaganda.
When your community is attacked by bioterrorism and all your neighbors perish because their duct-tape fortresses couldn't withstand the attack, are you just going to sit back and listen to the government say, "We told you so?"
Hopefully not.
And hopefully the government improves the manner in which it chooses to advise us. Speaking of advice, here's some for the emergency kits.
The government forgot to tell you to add some ChapStick to the kit. This way, when your sheeting is overcome by anthrax, you can kiss your butt goodbye.
