Monday, November 29, 2021

Alcohol ban wont change U

I must first say that Craig Gunn’s opinion (“Alcohol can cause many nasty side effects,” SN 4/2) was probably the funniest thing I have read in The State News since I came to East Lansing in 1998.

First off, this isn’t the 1920s. I don’t know what kind of nonalcoholic, sober utopia Gunn wants to live in, but the scene he described was something out of a bad “B” movie.

First off, let me disprove some of Gunn’s theories:

1. Even if you get rid of alcohol, its “evil sidekick” cigarettes will still be around and so will their crushed butts along the sidewalk.

2. I walk all over this campus and I personally don’t see too many empty beer cans. I think that the can collecting population that goes from class to class picking empties up has done a wonderful job in keeping East Lansing beautiful.

3. If hell does freeze over and the bars close, Grand River will not look like a parochial community college. In other words, men will stick to wearing their worn out jeans and cargo pants, and girls will stick to wearing their halter tops and black stretch pants. There will be no students that will take a stroll in their Sunday best.

4. Myself and probably a good number of students with me could have their livers removed and never be allowed to drink alcohol again, and we would never, let me repeat this for you, never sit down with a cup of exotic coffee or herbal tea and talk about thermodynamics. It took me three times to even spell the word right, and that’s with my spell check on. How do you think my friends and I would be able to keep up in a conversation with you?

5. I think this may be one of the most important mistakes in your letter. There is no such thing as generic beer. Yes there may be cheap liquor and even cheaper beer, but each is individually wonderful in its own barley and wheat way. Whether it’s a cold import or a warm 40, it is its own beer and deserves some respect.

6. If you think getting rid of the booze is gonna make the greek system this high society, socially-elite group, you are highly mistaken my good man. Greasy pizzas are here to stay and if I ever walked into my fraternity and saw someone eating a small finger sandwich with a cloth napkin, I would not only have him blackballed from my fraternity but I would have to deactivate myself from a house that would eat finger sandwiches with a cloth napkin.

See, what you don’t understand is that college is not only a place of higher learning but it is also an experience. It’s a place where kids become grownups. It’s a final shot at enjoying your youth before you actually have to wear a suit and a sportcoat, or a gaily colored dress.

Kids our age like to have fun, and sometimes we get out of control (like the riot) but most of the time it’s just praying to the porcelain god.

So when you get down in the dumps because there isn’t any bootlegging, or roaring 20s parties with no alcohol, remember you are in East Lansing, and with that comes 40,000-plus kids who sometimes need to unwind, especially if they have to listen about thermodynamics during the week in their classes.

TJ Dickinson
communication junior


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