Friday, May 29, 2020

Husky Duckett will make the children of the corn cry

The prognosticators are hurting after their predictions went awry, giving the duo a combined 3-5 record last weekend. The boys will be looking for redemption somewhere on the side of the road as they head to glamorous Iowa. Season to date: Arthole 16-6, Special K 13-9.

MSU (3-1) at Iowa (0-5)

Plummeting out of the AP poll after losing to Northwestern, MSU will try to rebound against lowly Iowa. With Wisconsin looming, a Spartan victory would restore the team’s confidence and give it momentum heading into the big game.

Special K: The Spartans rebound from their disappointing loss to Northwestern in a most exciting fashion. Tight end/pass rusher/special team player Ivory McCoy puts himself into the record books with an incredible all-around performance. The Chicago native snags two touchdowns, records two sacks and blocks a punt to push the Spartans over the corn-fed Hawkeyes. Following the victory, the Spartans sprint out of Iowa as fast as they can, even skipping postgame showers. Would you want to hang out in Iowa?

>MSU 23, Iowa 7

Arthole: Nothing is more exciting than the prospect of playing at Iowa. In fact, I’ve been lulled to sleep three times just trying to write this. After disappearing in the second half last week, T.J. Duckett comes back with a vengeance with a whopping 50 carries in the first half alone. Duckett runs through the Hawkeyes, literally, and turns the festive Hawkeye homecoming into a John Woo bloodbath.

MSU 31, Iowa 10

No. 6 Michigan (4-1) at Purdue (3-2)

Michigan is beginning to build up some steam after two-straight Big Ten wins and the return of quarterback Drew Henson. On the other hand, Purdue has struggled lately, losing two of its last three games.

Special K: Drew Brees will finally play like the hyped-up Heisman contender he once was. He lights up Michigan’s secondary for 400 yards passing, and the Wolverines are sent home angry about their lack of execution. U-M coach Lloyd Carr receives a letter of apology from the Big Ten after the game, which isn’t about the poor officiating, but instead the lack of good play by Carr’s squad.

Purdue 24, Michigan 21

Arthole: With his Heisman Trophy chances close to nil after Purdue lost to Penn State last week (thanks in part to the special teams), Drew Brees realizes his senior season is meaningless and quickly sets his sights on only playing football for money. Brees mulls generous offers and signing bonuses to play for U-M, trade his mighty arm with Drew Henson or blow the game. Brees keeps his arm, dons the maize and blue and goes home a very rich man.

Michigan 30, Purdue 20

No. 8 Ohio State (4-0) at No. 24 Wisconsin (3-2)

The Buckeyes have quietly snuck up on the competition, and landed in the top 10. Wisconsin, on the other hand, has plummeted from their preseason top 5 billing. This game will show if the Bucks are truly back.

Special K: After a tough loss last week at Michigan, the Badgers rebound and give the Bucks their first loss. Badger running back Michael Bennett will be keyed on by Ohio State’s defense, which should open up space for mobile quarterback Brooks Bollinger. After the game, Buckeye coach John Cooper finds consolation in the fact his team’s season finally wasn’t ruined by a school from Michigan.

Wisconsin 27, Ohio State 13

Arthole: Since Penn State turned out to be a bunch of pussy cats in their 45-6 loss to Ohio State two weeks ago, the Buckeyes are in for their first real challenge of the season Saturday. I’m not convinced the Buckeyes are top 10 material, nor am I convinced Steve Bellisari can play quarterback, nor can I believe John Cooper still has his coaching job. If Ohio State blows this game like they did last year, the Buckeye faithful will unleash the annual slew of “Fire John Cooper” remarks. I can hear it now.

Wisconsin 21, Ohio State 17

No. 1 Florida State (5-0) at No. 7 Miami (3-1)

This matchup used to be circled on every diehard’s calendar in the late 1980s and early ’90s. But then the Hurricanes fell on hard times, mostly due to NCAA probation. Now the ’Canes are back, and South Florida will be rocking for this dandy.

Special K: With the ’Canes extremely pumped up for this game, the Seminoles realize their opponents are vulnerable. Led by “veteran” 28-year-old quarterback Chris Weinke and running back Travis Minor, Florida State devises a scheme to befuddle Miami. Weinke and Minor convince Hurricane players that the local Dillard’s department store is having a “big game sale.” Fooled by the oldest trick in Florida, the ’Canes spend Friday night discount shopping at Dillard’s and play sluggishly on Saturday.

Florida State 31, Miami 24

Arthole: Despite being hampered by a sprained ankle suffered last week, Florida State’s Chris Weinke is roaring to go against Miami. However, the Hurricanes would rather Weinke not play at all and hatch a devious plan to assassinate the old guy. Despite numerous referrals, Miami coach Butch Davis elects to hire someone not related to current players and goes with some random crack dealer off the street. Rather than do the job, the immigrant takes the money and runs and Davis decides to concentrate on making a game plan. Plans for an assassination are quickly forgotten as Davis surprises the nation, and himself, with the upset.

Miami 44, Florida State 42

Arthur Alcid can be reached at alcidart@msu.edu.

Jeff Karzen can be reached at karzenje@msu.edu

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