We had a decent shot at independence, folks, and we blew it. For 221 years, the U.S. has been a selfish toddler in a global sandbox. Mommy Great Britain wanted us to pay taxes and we weren’t having any of that. So we grabbed our Tickle Me Elmo and bag of Gushers and ran away from home. We set out to form a new nation that championed the individual, based on the Protestant work ethic, limited government and Hannah Montana.

Aside from our proud victory in World War II, we haven’t done much to brag about. Although we’re easily the largest contributor of foreign economic aid, as a product of gross national income we’re far behind other affluent countries. We’ve trailed the rest of the developed world in abolishing slavery and granting rights to women and minorities, and we’re still the only developed country without universal health care. (Re-submitting to British rule will instantaneously remove that burden!)

Two center-right corporate parties have a systematic stranglehold on our political system, but Great Britain has more than a dozen parties. The United States trails Great Britain in secular thought (51 percent of Americans believe God created man in his present form) and in education (20 percent of Americans believe the sun revolves around the Earth). Worst of all, millions abroad have suffered and died under our military invasions, trade embargoes, sanctions, economic imperialism and state-sponsored terrorism.

Great Britain, admittedly, is an empire. But they’ve shown that they can make imperialism work! India is one of the world’s premier up-and-coming economies and is even luring youngsters from the United Kingdom to its affordable and competitive online tutoring and schools. The war for the Falkland Islands caused the collapse of Argentina’s military regime, making wool sweaters also a symbol of democracy.

Contrast that with the aftermath of U.S. invasions: Vietnam’s infrastructure was devastated by our bombing campaign and Haiti suffered terribly after it was forced to submit to harsh economic policies following U.S. intervention.

Now, staring down at international disrespect and our disenfranchised poor, we’re in more trouble than ever before. But as any idealistic youngster who defies his parents, we’re just too proud to admit we were wrong. Obama realizes that sometimes you have to swallow your pride and admit it was you who put the hole in the wall with papa’s handgun.

Not to worry, though. The queen is a merciful ruler and she will no doubt welcome us back into her arms with utmost care and sympathy. She’ll let us bury our head in her bosom and cry our little eyes out for crashing our $515 billion annual military budget into the world’s living room.

To be fair, our path since independence is partly England’s fault for recognizing us as a sovereign nation in the first place, essentially enabling us and letting us take on the British legacy of interventionist foreign policy, from Manifest Destiny to the Monroe Doctrine that essentially stated our dominion over Latin America. Maybe they thought it’d be good for us to try some colonialism of our own with the Mexican-American War, and the reconquest memo got lost under a desk somewhere? Our disasters abroad scared them so much that they offered to help us in Iraq just to temper our mistakes.

We’ve come a long way and accomplished a lot as a country, but we still clearly have a few lessons to learn from our friends across the Atlantic. What we need — what we’ve needed for a long time — is someone who will acknowledge our shortcomings and take action. Hopefully Obama will be that man, so that as a people we can put an end to blind nationalism and the government can take criticism for what it’s worth instead of resorting to drastic measures.

Drew Robert Winter is a State News columnist and a journalism and English senior. Reach him at winterdr@msu.edu.