Friday, September 29, 2023

Fantastic F*ck Bois and Where to Find Them (and how to avoid them)

February 14, 2019

Ladies, gents and everyone in-between. I am writing this to warn you about a growing epidemic that is sweeping over college campuses all across the nation. It is toxic, it impairs judgement and it can even eat away at the heart. This epidemic I am describing is — The F*ck Boi. 

You see, the F*ck Boi is a young man whose lack of self-awareness leads him to believe that his buffoonish suaveness is genuinely charming and engaging to those he chooses to pursue. 

To protect another innocent soul, I am writing this brief column on how to identify and escape a F*ck Boi. 

He only wants to “hang out” at night: And by “hang out” I mean “Netflix and chill” and maybe watch him do pitiful vape tricks. He doesn’t put forth the effort to even clean up his place before you come over and always expects you to spend the night, even if you have class or work in the morning. This is because he can never hit you up early in the evening (that would break the F*ck Boi code). He can only have you come over after 10 p.m. He will almost never come to your place to “hang out.” Even though this seems like a miserable time, he considers this to be a date.

He talks about wanting to seriously date but doesn’t even take you out: As Kevin Malone from “The Office” once said, “I want to be wined, dined and 69’ed.” If you’re with a F*ck Boi, chances are you’re only getting 69’ed and it’s probably severely underwhelming. He goes on and on about how bad he wants to be with you, but can’t even bother to go on a lunch date with you to the dining hall. That, my dear reader, is one of the biggest red flags. 

He ghosts you constantly but gets pissed when you don’t respond: Sometimes you’ll go days or weeks without hearing from him and assume you’re finally free from his clutches, but alas. He will still contact you at the most inconvenient time and still think that it’s perfectly normal and acceptable —  just don’t forget to respond to him or you will end up with the most inappropriate text messages. You see, the F*ck Boi doesn’t respect boundaries and thinks you not responding — even if you’re with friends or busy with school work — is totally and completely unacceptable. As a counter-attack, he’ll try wooing you with a message that says: “I know this sounds weird but you should come and sit on my face.” (Note: This is a message I actually received once.)

He thinks he’s your number one priority even though you aren’t together: The F*ck Boi is terrible at commitment, but great at latching on to you like a parasite, slowly yet surely draining away your life force. It’s this toxic tactic that leads him to believe he needs you in his life to survive, even though you know this isn’t true at all. He’ll expect you to skip class or work to come over and bang him midday (advanced F*ck Bois can survive in sunlight), and will even set rules and regulations you must follow to please him even though you’ve only hooked up twice. 

These are only a few red flags, but if the individual you are talking to shows signs of being down with the sickness, it's time to head for the hills, run for your life and hit him with the block. 

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