The Black Sheep is being sheared away from campus.
In a decision which, according to recent student polling, literally 100 percent of people saw coming, the MSU chapter of the so-called publication The Black Sheep will fold today due to its failure to be funny enough to keep anyone — and we do mean anyone — entertained.
“It’s disappointing, but definitely deserved,” said a Black Sheep reporter who chose not to divulge his name because he is too embarrassed to admit he works for the publication. “I’m actually just surprised we were able to keep this charade going for as long as we did.”
It’s worth mentioning that the The Black Sheep’s brief but notably terrible history has not even been noticed by MSU President Lou Anna K. Simon.
“What the hell is The Black Sheep?” Simon asked when prompted to comment on the imminent demise of the paper. “I’ve been president-ing for 10 years now and I pick up The State News on a daily basis, but I have definitely never heard of this ‘Black Sheep’ you speak of. Sounds stupid to me. I’m glad it’s gone.
“By the way, yes, I did just use the verb ‘president-ing,’” Simon said.
The good news for The Black Sheep is it will not go down in history as completely devoid of worth. A maximum of one student has found a way to make the dish rag — wait, I mean newspaper — of use.
“Yeah, I’m aware of The Black Sheep,” said advertising junior Cameron Riddle. “But only because I use it as kindling sometimes if I need to start a fire in Cedar Village. It burns really well.”
As a fire starter, there is no denying The Black Sheep’s merit. However, due to the fact that there is a lot of other paper around which will also start fires, it was not enough to sustain the floundering business.
“Plus, in a pinch, I will use it as toilet paper,” Riddle also mentioned, even though no one asked.
In the end, the downfall of the so-called publication came down to this one key issue — no one on staff is literate.
“I think our biggest problem was that we, as a group, do not know how to read or write, much less cleverly execute satire,” said the unnamed Black Sheep reporter, who was chosen by executives of the so-called publication to represent the paper because he was “by far” the smartest member on staff. “As it turns out, wit plays a bigger part than any of us realized.”
This column by The State News' opinion editor, Greg Monahan, is an April Fools' Day satire column. Please don't take it too seriously.