Almost everyone has an opinion on E L James’ erotic book-turned-movie, “Fifty Shades of Grey.” While a large population of women are enamored by the film, proclaiming they want to find their own Christian Grey, a large number of people from within the BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism and masochism) community are outraged by the story, claiming it portrays an unrealistic — and more importantly, unsafe — BDSM relationship.
I have yet to see the movie. I am hesitant to give my money to a film that so blatantly attempts to pass off an abusive relationship as a functional and healthy BDSM one, and I worry for those who watch the film and believe the behaviors in it are acceptable and safe.
There are myriad reasons why the lifestyle portrayed in “Fifty Shades of Grey” is closer to an abusive relationship than a BDSM one. Christian Grey frequently toes the line between bondage and abuse — he ignores safe words, forces Anastasia to have sex with him when it’s clear she does not want to and stalks her excessively.
Another flaw in the film’s logic is grounding the root of Grey’s unique lifestyle in some kind of childhood trauma. Grey’s mother was physically abusive, and as a result, he claims he is unable to love or to engage in “vanilla sex.”
While abuse can impact a person’s emotional capacity and cause emotional problems, most people involved in BDSM relationships do not claim they are incapable of loving. In order to engage in a BDSM relationship, partners must exhibit an immense amount of trust, respect and love for each other.
None of these things are present in “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Rather than trusting and respecting Christian, Anastasia is afraid and intrigued by him, and while she is frequently frightened and upset by their relationship, she stays with him due to some delusion that she will be able to fix him.
This idea of trying to fix a violent, broken partner is a textbook example of relationship abuse, and moviegoers are led to believe that it is OK. It’s like because Christian is so mesmerized by Anastasia, somehow his bizarre, abusive behavior becomes excusable.
Domestic violence is not something to be made light of, and by portraying and glorifying it in this film we allow the vicious cycle to continue.
Women in abusive relationships need to be encouraged and empowered to escape them, rather than being confused and tricked into believing that these abusive tendencies can be passed off as a simple sexual preference.
An actual BDSM relationship is loving, consensual and pleasurable for all parties involved. While some naive viewers have been captivated by Christian, his lack of respect for Anastasia isn’t kinky, hot or amusing — it’s downright abusive.
