It has become apparent to me that this insignificant division, known simply as “parking,” has introduced itself more recently as a nuisance and disease to the populace of East Lansing. This disease, as you will now be referred to for the remainder of this letter, cannot be bettered or cured. Rather, the power that individuals exert over you is most prominent in the fact that, for most people anyway, our lives both professionally and intimately have much more fervor and zest. I am well aware that funding for both the police department and the disease is experiencing vast shortcomings and layoffs.

Consider the enclosed money a charity, perhaps an early Christmas bonus for those of you struggling to make ends meet. Although I, along with my fellow Spartans, absolutely abhor everything you stand for, it seems necessary to address your ineptness to deliver this letter with just a bit more sting. That’s right, the last line was correct: a bit more sting. The type of sting that will leave a lingering emptiness in your psyche as you mull about your average, oh-so-ordinary lives. That it may not go away shortly is not the intent of this specific sting, but to potentially help the disease understand why the general public views them as a helpless child on the street begging for change and sympathy.