Welcome to Babylon, where your options for recreation are limitless. We have many fine varieties of marijuana for the discerning connoisseur, courtesy of violent drug lords south of the border (Please note: Our laws only permit the use of marijuana for people with light-colored skin).

Our video games allow you to experience the glory and excitement of war from the comfort of your own living room. And if you need to rest your mind from the arduous task of being awake, then by all means treat yourself to one of our many formulaic, cliché-riddled Hollywood Blockbusters. To quote a Babylonian proverb: “Can’t a movie just be fun for once?”

Welcome to Babylon, where self-improvement is a national value. We will reveal to you just how hideous your body is, enabling you to embark on a bootstrap-pulling journey of weight loss and fashion education. Along the way, you’ll utilize fitness videos, scales, gym memberships, several magazine subscriptions, gastric bypasses, mirrors, diet books, diet kits, books about how bad diets are, nondiets, several different sizes of clothing and possibly self-induced vomiting/starvation — all the while contributing to our gross domestic product.

By the time you’re done, we’ll have honed you into a lean, mean human machine with something that vaguely resembles self-esteem (Please note: Our laws only permit the use of self-esteem for people with light-colored skin. It’s a security issue, I’m sure you understand).

Welcome to Babylon, the original home of freedom of speech. This should not be confused with “free speech.” Given the Supreme Court of Babylon’s recent ruling that campaign contributions are protected by freedom of speech and the fact that campaign contributions cost money, there’s categorically nothing “free” about freedom of speech. Of course all Babylonians have rights — some just have more than others. Rest assured, this is in accordance with justice. The only reasons one Babylonian could be wealthier than another are hard work and merit, as recently exhibited by our bank bailout.

Welcome to Babylon, home of the mightiest army the world has ever seen. Our army is so incredible, they’re actually too good for certain military operations. For these, we use mercenaries — excuse me, “defense contractors” — hired by companies with such names as Blackwater (Or Xe, as they’ve begun to call themselves after their murder of several Iraqi civilians. Gee, who could have predicted that from a company willing to hire former soldiers of Augusto Pinochet?).

Welcome to Babylon, where we have no truck with intangible things we can’t see for ourselves. Philosophy? Literature? Air? We prefer practical things, like spending our entire lives without knowing the meanings of the words “introspection” or “humanity.” We’d prefer to be sedated by excess, narcissism, fear and lies that we can’t see the rotten tree for the bad apples.

At this point, you might have some moral concerns about the way we do things here. You might be feeling that this isn’t the place for you. Well, you’re wrong! Babylon has something for everybody! For the rebellious among you, we’ve got “alternative” music, thick black plastic glasses, clothing sporting the image of Che Guevara (possibly made in the “sweat-free” sweatshops of Cambodia), mineral water imported from Europe and even a “progressive” president — who’s black! Now more than ever, the guilt-sensitive among you can exonerate yourselves with hybrid cars and Democratic Party bumper stickers to put on them!

If that’s still not enough for you — if you still can’t get over the fact that we’re a corrupt, morally bankrupt empire existing in a state of national denial and decay — then I’ll say one last thing in our defense: At least we’re not the United States of America.

Joel Reinstein is a State News guest columnist and residential college in the arts and humanities junior. Reach him at reinste5@msu.edu.