I’m lactose intolerant.

The “disorder” renders me unable to properly digest lactose, a sugar found in dairy products. It’s not just if I have a pint of ice cream to myself, either. It’s any dairy.

One Cheeto? Stomachache. A tiny piece of cheese? I’m a goner.

It’s difficult, too; if it weren’t for lactose intolerance, cheese and I would be best friends. As it stands, we have to have a sordid love affair in which I indulge in it then proceed to get mad at it because it gives me stomach troubles.

I won’t go into the nitty-gritty details of what kinds of stomach problems lactose intolerance gives its victims. Let’s just say it is neither funny nor pretty. And I’ve learned this the hard way.

I remember the stomachaches starting when I was young. After eating Life cereal every morning before school, I’d have stomachaches that I would hope would be over by the time the bus came.

They’d never be over.

In high school, the packages of cheese crackers I’d bring would have me fleeing for the bathroom nearly every class period (attractive, I know)

Finally, toward the end of senior year, my mother suggested I was lactose intolerant. Naturally, I did not want to accept this because that would mean limiting my dairy intake and I just didn’t want to part with cheese or ice cream.

But she suggested I take Lactaid pills, over-the-counter supplements that would help my digestive system handle the dreaded lactose.

They help a bit, but not entirely. The stomachaches have lessened, but they’re not entirely gone.

There’s still the really bad episodes. Two summers ago, I must have forgotten to take a Lactaid before indulging in ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery. This is not to knock the delicious ice cream at Cold Stone; I don’t blame them for my awful mistake. But the dairy was just too much for my stomach to handle and I paid for it dearly the next morning.

Doubled over in pain, I yelled to my mom to help me because I couldn’t move from my bed. By the time she got to me, I was tingling all over and couldn’t move my limbs. My mouth began to go numb and I couldn’t produce words. I thought I was going to be paralyzed and ice cream was the culprit.

My mom rushed to dial 911 and an ambulance showed up. By this time, the tingling and numbness had stopped but I couldn’t really move. The paramedics guessed that the stomach pain was so bad that my body had gone into panic attack mode, not knowing how to handle the pain or what to do next.

I haven’t been to Cold Stone Creamery since.

There are also the weird looks you get when you take out a pill at dinner time. It’s an awkward conversation starter and one I’m not particularly fond of, especially when I’m trying to be discreet in my pre-dinner pill popping. Strange looks and “What’d you just take?” are often thrown my way and I have to explain that yes, just one bite is enough to tie my stomach in knots and yes, I have to take a pill with virtually every meal. This is because lactose is in more foods than you’d think.

It’s a sneaky sugar, lurking in bread and other baked goods, cereal, salad dressing, cookies, candy and more. It’s safer to just take a pill as a precaution.

There are sort-of solutions for lactose intolerance, such as limiting or altogether eliminating dairy from your diet, but I’m just not that strong. I can’t part with cheese; we have a history. There are soy substitutes for milk and other products, but I don’t have the willpower to become a vegan, nor do I even want to.

My diagnosis, as well as others who believe themselves to be lactose intolerant, could be a misdiagnosis. According to medicinenet.com, 20 percent of people who think they are lactose intolerant actually aren’t. Sometimes, irritable bowel syndrome is mistaken for lactose intolerance because of similar symptoms. So, if you and cheese don’t get along either, I’d recommend not taking the lazy route like I did and actually going to your doctor to have professional tests done to find out if you really are lactose intolerant.

There include blood tests, glucose tests and stool acidity tests, even a biopsy that can help determine whether you have the deficiency.

Maybe some day I’ll work on eliminating cheese from my diet but … oh, who am I kidding? Cheese is here to stay.

Don’t tell my stomach I said that.