Can’t win either way.

Dear CWEW,

Did my wife put you up to this question? This very question has resulted in numerous conversations between us about life, liberty and the pursuit of a common language in which to talk about a positive body image. Although she will always be perfect in my eyes, the problem is I don’t see her through her eyes. And, as I know now, it’s rare that her view is really about how she looks.

I feel for you, dude, but you aren’t alone. There are more people concerned with losing weight and not “looking fat” than ever before. The ironic thing is many of the people worried about “fat” aren’t even overweight.

Nearly 40 percent of MSU students reported in our last survey said they were still trying to lose weight even though they were at their right weight or even underweight. And this is not just a concern among women. Men also are adopting this “Do I look fat” conversation starter — or should I say, conversation stopper?

The word “fat” is used to express so much more than appearance. The trick is to learn to interpret what is truly being asked or stated. The difficulty here is the language being spoken is usually only understood by the one speaking it — and sometimes not even by them.

So, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. “I feel fat” is really a cue to initiate a conversation or discussion about “Am I OK?” or maybe “I had a bad day” or even something as simple as “I need a hug.” Your response should be as simple as saying “I love you.”

I know you just want to help and may want her to see your logic (after all, the movie starts in 15 minutes and you still have to park.) But the majority of the time, this isn’t a question about looks. Someone is asking for help or expressing uneasiness about his or her life, and not just on a physical level.

So next time she asks you about her looks (especially if connected to a comment or question about her weight), take the opportunity to ask her how she is feeling right now and what can you do to help. Maybe she’s just asking you for a simple yea-or-nay response. But if not, use the opportunity to have a conversation about how she feels and ask her to help you understand. Make sure you’re willing to listen and have the time and energy to get into a deeper conversation about what’s going on for her internally, rather than the external view in the mirror.

For further information, you may want to read Jessica Weiner’s book “Do I look Fat in this?: Life Doesn’t Begin Five Pounds from Now.” Ms. Weiner is a recognized self-esteem/body image expert. In the book she has advice she calls, “A guy’s guide to closet meltdowns” where she gives suggestions on how to handle the situation. You may want to pick up a copy or stop by Olin Health Education and borrow a copy.

If you want to hear from the author first hand, then you should know that Ms. Weiner is coming to Wharton Center to present, in person, at no charge … at 8 p.m. on Feb. 12. It could be the best present you could give each other for Valentine’s Day. See you there! I’ll be the one sitting with the most beautiful woman in the building.

Peace.

—Dr. D

Dennis Martell, Ph.D., is a coordinator of Olin Health Education and writes a weekly health column for The State News. E-mail him your questions at dennis.martell@ht.msu.edu.