Sometimes, seeing the whole family come together for a celebration is a joyous and wonderful time, where one can catch up with distant family and reminisce over a heaping helping of home cooking.

Other times, however, having family over and being home for the holidays can bring something less than tidings and good cheer — it can bring strife, tension, awkwardness and a host of other feelings and situations.

The situation

For landscape architecture freshman Kaitlyn Taylor, holiday strife is nothing new.

“My sister and I, we never really got along very well while we were living in the same house,” Taylor said. “Once we were in college and kind of separated, it was better. But coming home for the holidays, things can get kind of tense and flare up.”

While the fights tend to regard trivial things, Taylor said, they can still make things uncomfortable.

“It makes us angry,” she said. “It’s kind of a high-pressure holiday.”

Family tension around the holidays is not exactly uncommon, said Dr. John Lee, a counselor at MSU Counseling Center.

“It’s hard to put statistics to it, but it does happen,” Lee said. “I’ve seen cases of people who have a real difficult time (at the holidays) because their family is tense and conflicted.”

Even setting aside family issues, the holiday season in general can be a difficult time to navigate, counseling professor David Novicki said. Holidays themselves, regardless of family interaction, can have a negative impact on people’s emotional state.

“One thing you have to remember is that Christmas is the No. 1 holiday for suicide, followed by the Fourth of July and Easter,” Novicki said. “Holidays have a dynamic themselves that are operating.”

The causes

So, while the holiday season can bring tensions out all on their own, family can serve to compound that by also bringing preconceived notions to the table — particularly for college students, Novicki said.

“I think one of the biggest issues for anyone around the holidays involves expectations,” he said. “Expectations are usually demands that everyone expects but no one tells you about until you haven’t done it.”

The reason for this inherent disconnect between students and their family members actually is a natural part of growing up called individuation, he said, where the child steps out from their family in order to create a unique identity of his or her own.

This, compounded with parents dealing with separation issues related to their children moving out, can lead to conflicts, Novicki said.

“Testing goes on, limits are challenged and values are examined (during this time),” he said. “That could cause conflict within the family. (Students) are stepping out to be a different person, as opposed to their parents’ kid or Auntie Nell’s nephew. The person they’re turning into may appear to be in conflict with the family’s values.”

It is the combination of separation issues and individuation that can lead some parents to become more restrictive with their children during the holidays. And those issues sometimes manifest themselves negatively.

“I hate being at home over the break — it’s so annoying,” business junior Navdeep Kaur said. “We’re so used to living alone, (but when you come home), you have all these restrictions to follow. ‘Don’t do this,’ ‘Don’t do that,’ ‘Don’t go out at night.’ But you still have to go home; you have no choice.”

The solutions

So, what can you do to overcome these potentially tense situations and make winter break bearable? First and foremost, Lee suggests empathy.

“Be aware that you’re going through your process and that your parents are going through theirs,” he said. “Show some understanding as you’re graduating, getting married or going off to grad school. This makes you better able to negotiate the issues present. The major point is to recognize that they’re going through their transitions as well.”

Generally, Lee said, the issues and topics of tension that are raised during the holidays are not new and therefore should not come as much of a surprise.

As such, he said, learn from those previous experiences and try to avoid topics that will cause distress.

“Become aware of the hot buttons, become aware of the personalities that will set things off and do your best to avoid them,” Lee said. “If the topic is you, or what you’re studying or your girlfriend, help not to exacerbate the situation.”

In order to do that, Lee suggests setting a boundary quickly with your family and stating outright that now is not the time nor place to discuss whatever issue may be at hand.

Set the boundary at things you know are going to make dealing with your family worse. If its something you feel needs to be addressed, set a specific time to talk about it, he said.

If a particular topic or situation does manage to get out of hand, do your best to diffuse it by separating yourself from the tension.

“That provides the person (who started the argument) with a chance for an out,” Lee said. “Ask, ‘I’m going for a walk — anyone want to come with me?’”

This manages to get the point across to the offending family member that you do not like where the conversation is going without being confrontational.

It’s a strategy that has worked wonders for communication sophomore Lindsey Dubey when she goes home for the holidays.

“Things are tense in my house right now because my sister just got pregnant, and so we’re dealing with that right now, and my grandma is dying,” Dubey said. “So everything is extremely tense.”

In order to deal with the awkwardness and strain in the house during Thanksgiving, Dubey found ways to separate herself and her family, which lead to calmer family interactions.

“I pulled people away from the house at different times,” she said. “Because when we’re all together, Mom will yell at my sister and I’ll get mad at my sister … it’s just chaos. I try to take everyone away at different times.”

The trick, Dubey said, is keeping the family mobile.

“I think it’s just trying not to stay in the house the entire time. Being cooped up is just crazy,” she said.

But above all, Lee offers the simplest advice for students going home for a holiday they suspect will be full of tension: Don’t try to fix things.

“You don’t try and turn (it into) a family therapy session,” Lee said. “You’re not gonna solve the (family’s problems) during the winter break. Sometimes students will do that, will go home and try to get families to talk about that, and it usually ends up blowing up in your face.”

In the end, Lee said, the best solution to dealing with your family during break can be found in an unusual place: Alcoholics Anonymous’ Serenity Prayer.

“So much of family is not under our control, but there are things you can control,” he said. “It’s like the Serenity Prayer: ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.’”