She came to visit me a couple of weeks ago and when she got here, she broke down and told me another guy kissed her, but she didn’t stop it for about 10 seconds before pushing him away saying she can’t do this (of course, there was alcohol involved).

I have always trusted her, and she told me right away, but I can’t get the thought of her kissing another guy out of my head now, and every time I think about it, it gives me the chills.

I know I can forgive her because of the person I know she is, but how do I get that thought out of my head and move on?

— KD

Dear KD,

It’s never easy to comment on the health or quality of a relationship based solely on an e-mailed question, and I don’t think that is what you are asking.

So let me just answer your question, and I will interject comments on relationship health as I go along.

The way you are choosing to think at this moment is normal, and it has a lot to do with feeling that the trust you had has been violated.

The picture you have in your mind of her kissing another person is your way of creating visuals so your mind can see this violation and thus somehow understand it.

It also is normal in this scenario for people to go as far as feeling like what they had (relationship) and what was theirs has been tainted, all the while knowing you can never really own another human, and you can never expect this person to meet all your needs and never make a mistake.

I know this may sound unsympathetic, but it is important for you to understand that you are the one making the choices here.

It is your choice to feel violated, and it ultimately will be your choice to change this thought process.

I assure you that whatever she may have done truly is forgivable, and I don’t think you are going to have any trouble with that.

I think where you are going to have trouble is forgiving yourself of this.

My belief is that the trust you both have, and notice I said “have” and not “had,” is still intact.

I am quite sure she also is experiencing some pain from the decision she made, whether or not it was influenced by the use of alcohol.

So, how do you stop these thoughts?

Tomorrow morning, I want you to set your alarm for 7:55 a.m., and when it goes off, I want you to get up, think about this violation and picture of her kissing him and do this for five minutes straight.

When the clock says 8 a.m., stop.

Do that for five days.

I assure you, in most cases you will stop this exercise after two or three days.

We sometimes like to place the blame on others for the thoughts we create, especially when we choose to feel hurt by their actions.

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that we are responsible for and really do have control over most of what we think about.

The second thing to do to help you adjust would be for you to truly forgive her and then forgive yourself.

I use lines from a spiritual verse about forgiveness that my wife gave me from her teachings.

I have it taped to my desk, for I also find it hard to forgive at times.

It goes like this — “If there is anyone or anything that has hurt me in the past, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive and release it for my greatest good … If there is anything that I hold onto that is hidden, masked, cloaked or transparent in my conscious or unconscious knowing, I forgive and release it for the greatest good of all concerned.”

I state what it is I intend to forgive and then say it.

The ability to forgive is one of the indicators I use when helping people gauge the health of their relationship.

In a long-distance relationship, the lack of physical presence with the one you care about can be trying.

I can’t comment as to whether she is committed or not, or whether she had any intention to do what she did.

What I do know is that if you want this to continue, you both are going to need to adjust to this mistake in judgment, and the two of you will have to begin to visualize a new trust — one which makes allowance for the imperfections of the human psyche.

Peace love dove.

— Dr. D.

Dennis Martell, Ph.D., is a coordinator of Olin Health Education. E-mail him your questions at dennis.martell@ht.msu.edu.