Dennis Martell
Dear Dr. D.,
Apparently you told my mom during parent orientation that I could e-mail you if I had a problem. It is not really a health problem so you don’t have to write back if you do not have the time. It really is more of an empty feeling or pain in my stomach. I know I am 18 years old and I hate to admit it, but I already really miss my family and home. I have been trying to deal with it, but I am embarrassed and it seems that no one wants to hear it. I just wanted somebody to listen.
-Dee
Hey Dee,
Thank you for writing, and I admire your choice to bring your ‘pain’ to this column so we can deal in public with something that is normal and common but often unspoken.
I have now been witness to more than 20 years of MSU ‘beginnings,’ and thus have felt the transitional loneliness of countless students who have showed up at our department for health-related concerns, only to then acknowledge that what they are really feeling is the ‘pain’ of transition.
So, for as much as you wanted someone to listen to you, I have to first thank you for speaking!
This is a time of transition for you, and I won’t tell you it is going to be easy.
My good friends at the MSU Counseling Center define a transition as the process of “moving away from previous sources of structure, affiliation and identity toward the new sources of structure, affiliation and identity of the next life stage.”
I’m not sure this is how I always see a transition, but it does give us a platform from which to start talking.
Not all transitions go the way we want them to and in some cases people either are not ready or decide to not go through with it. That is ultimately your decision and one I will support you in making either way.
I have to confess that I decided to leave my undergraduate college after being there for only one day because I was lonely and felt isolated.
It was not until I went back home for a few days that I realized even though this new environment would challenge me to develop new affiliations and sources of support, I still had the sources of support and structure and the internal strength that got me to where I was when I arrived at the university. I just needed to call on them.
After that I found the transition not as lonely and did go back.
Dee, what you are experiencing is normal. It is your reality, and it does hurt! This is my advice to you: Look to those things that you brought to MSU as part of who you are to help you deal with the present moment.
You would not be here today if you did not have the internal resources and capacity to manage developmental transitions of the past.
Look to your ability to communicate (the same way you wrote to me) to help you process the loss of constant contact with family and what is familiar. This also may help you to build new sources of structure and familiarity with those around you.
You may be able to do this with the people in your hall, or you may want do it in one of the many student groups on campus. There also are professionals at the Counseling Center who are willing and want to help you.
What I have found helpful to do during any transition is to look to the things I can still do which, in the past, have brought me a sense of stability, comfort and familiarity.
If you like to exercise, read, play music or take walks, then don’t abandon those things. Use them to help you feel connected with those sources of structure and support from the past as well as help you build new ones.
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And now for a soapbox moment! Dee, there will always be those who do not want to hear it!
Usually, it is because they choose to think of this issue as simply one of homesickness.
Frankly, many of them do this so they can rationalize their minor investments of empathy and time, all the while reinforcing their erroneous belief that their reality must be your reality.
You need to know there are many here who will listen and do understand how you feel, and they are the people who will engage you and trust in your reality and help you move toward a healing resolution.
I also want you to thank your mother for me, for calling me on my promise and for actually staying awake during our parent orientation presentation.
There will always be life transitions and you have managed many of them well to this point, or you would not be here.
What you ultimately decide about how you handle your future here at MSU will be dependent on whether you recognize that fact.
The key for me in dealing with any loneliness has always been to realize that even though I may feel alone in thought, I am only a spoken word away from connecting to anyone.
Look forward to hearing a word from you!
Peace. Dr. D.
Dennis Martell, Ph.D., is a coordinator of Olin Health Education and writes a weekly health column for The State News. E-mail him your questions at dennis.martell@ht.msu.edu.
